Letting Go

July 9-July 13, 2010

I held Brittany in my arms for 4 days, rarely leaving her side. The doctor's kept telling me there was no hope, but I hoped for a miracle anyway. Looking at her, it was hard to believe that she was injured as critically as she was. Despite the magnitude of the accident, Brittany was still Brittany...beautiful and perfect. Aside from all of the tubes and machines connected to her, you couldn't even tell she had been in a devastating wreck. In fact, all of her injuries were survivable...except for her head. She suffered a broken ankle, fractured hip and bruised lung. Pretty miraculous. What's even more miraculous, though is how she stayed so perfect. Somehow, when the semi and car collided, the car wrapped around the semi in a way that protected Brittany in a little cocoon in the back seat. Another gift I believe God gave me. He kept my little girl beautiful and perfect...the way she always was...and still is in heaven, I'm sure.

Twice each day the doctors performed apnea tests on Brittany to see if she would breathe on her own. Sometimes it would take her a few minutes, but she did. The doctors told me it was the only part of her brain left functioning. They said everything else that made Brittany who she was had been damaged beyond repair. They urged me to disconnect her, telling me over and over again there was no hope. A few of them were even callous and heartless. It made me sick. But I held firm. As long as Brittany took even a single breath, I would not give up. I couldn't live with myself wondering if she thought I had given up on her. So, I ordered the doctors to keep doing everything medically possible to keep her alive. Until she was ready...or until God decided it was time...I would not end her life. It was not my decision to make.

I layed with Brittany each of those four days. We watched television (mainly Hannah Montana. We always watched it together. We were dorks like that). I read to her and played her favorite music. I reminisced about all of the silly things she did as a child and reminded her of the many "Brittany-isms" she had made famous. For example..."What month is the "MAY" fest?" The night before she died, I asked the nurse if he could position Brittany in her bed so I could lay directly next to her and hold her in my arms. Looking back, I think I already knew what was coming. For hours, I laid my head on her chest and listened to her heartbeat...the heartbeat of my beautiful, perfect little girl. I kissed her face and told her how much I love her. I told her I didn't want to let her go, that I couldn't imagine my life without her. But as I held her, and as much as it broke my heart to say the words, I told Brittany that if she was ready to be with Jesus, I would try and let her go. And as I said those words, one single tear fell from her right eye. Another gift from God. 

At 5:10pm on Tuesday, July 13, 2010, Brittany Erin Pritts passed away. She was and always will be my little girl...my best friend...my soul mate. Two halves of a whole...two hearts made from one...