You don't get over it,
You just get through it.
You don't get by it,
Because you can't get around it.
It doesn't get better,
It just gets different.
Everyday...grief puts on a new face...
~Wendy Feireisen
It's been nearly 23 months since Brittany left me, and with each passing day I never know who I'm going to wake up to, who I'll be in the afternoon, who I'll be at bedtime, or who I'll be all the other times in between. It changes. Frequently. Yes, after almost two years, I'm still giving myself mental and emotional whiplash. And while grief can indeed put on a 'new face' everyday, many of those faces are quite familiar...maybe just a little more weathered...a little more broken...and a lot more exhausted from the constant barrage of change. Whoever said and/or believes that change is good has obviously never suffered the death of a child. Last year, I posted an entry on change and how it was inevitable that I would change...forever. But I'm beginning to think that those around me hoped or believed that change would be temporary; that eventually, the "old April" would emerge. She isn't...and she won't...ever. She died with Brittany. That's what part of this Quest For a New Normal is all about. It's not just a journey to find a new sense of normalcy in life itself and within my family dynamic, but a journey to discover a new normal within myself...without my daughter. And what I'm beginning to realize is my personality will never be what it was. Parts of it may surface on occasion, but that doesn't mean I'm slowly returning to my old self. Like I said...she died on July 13, 2010...the same day as Brittany. What's unfortunate, even slightly hurtful, is how so many family and friends have completely dropped out of my life. Is it my fault?
I know I have put up walls around me to create a safe haven. Some experts say that walls are unhealthy, but in my world, those walls are my buffer to a reality I don't want to be a part of sometimes. But unlike some walls...even my own in the beginning...I now have a door and a small window where I can sometimes see outside myself, and sometimes let people in my door. But no one knocks anymore. Family and friends that I never dreamed would forget me, or simply grow tired of my emotional instability, have ceased all contact. Is it because they don't like who I didn't want to become in the first place? Is it because they feel guilty about being able to go on with their lives? Or maybe it's because they think it's time for me to get back to 'normal.' Perhaps I should have them define for me what my 'normal' should be. Or maybe some people simply grew impatient of waiting for the entry to my wall to open and just walked away. Were they afraid of who might come out that day...if I came out at all?
That's what brings me to the subject of this post: Double Standards.
I grew up hating double standards. In my family, my brother always had more freedom than I did, simply because he was a guy. Double standard. It infuriated me. But here I am today, a living epitome of one. Why? Because I think it's alright for me to be inconsistent in other people's lives, while they should remain consistent in mine. Is that wrong? Is it inconsiderate of me...irrational even...to hope that when I find the strength to emerge from my compound...however short of a period that might be...that those closest to me will still be there? I have no experience here...no frame of reference...so I'm not sure what the protocol is. Maybe those outside my world of grief and sorrow think there is a statute of limitations on isolating myself. I'm tired of hearing how much 'good' it will do me to get out more. When I want to get out, I will. The sad thing is, however, no one is there anymore to greet me. And I guess that's ok. They have lives. And just because mine stopped doesn't mean theirs had to. I guess I just didn't expect to be completely dispelled. Perhaps my seclusion has come across as discourteous or sullen. Am I antisocial? Very much so. Will that ever change? Highly unlikely.
I can't help who I've become. I am who I am now. I'm inconsistent and very guarded. The old April cannot be dragged out of me because she isn't there. And I feel like I've lost friends and family in the process. I didn't expect that. Some days it seems as if I've suffered more than one death...and that hurts.
I love you Brittany Erin...timelessly <3
