Time

"...With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day." 2 Peter 3:8

I can't fully comprehend what it will be like to live in a place where time has no meaning...where time, as we perceive it to be now, will no longer exist. I would imagine, however, that it will be wonderful to live like that...timelessly. No days being checked off of calendars, no weeks flying by only to realize I've reached the end of one month and the beginning of yet another, no "reminder" dates of the devastating tragedy that altered the course of my life forever. Time. A very subjective concept. At least in the context of my own life, anyway.  

As I look back over the past 10 1/2 months of my heartbreaking"Quest For a New Normal," I'm incredulous at just how far I've come. I'm also incredulous at just how little progress I've made, too. Has time marched forward, cruelly leaving me behind in its wake?  Or has time stopped, patiently waiting for me to catch up and move forward? I would be a contradictory reflection of myself if I answered 'yes' to both...therefore, I guess that's just what I am...a contradiction. I never know who I'm going to see staring back at me in the mirror each morning: the clueless mother who is struggling to navigate herself on this journey into the unknown, or the brokenhearted  mother who refuses to move forward...either out of cowardice or just plain denial. Neither reflection is desirable and both are complete strangers to me. Will that always be the case? Will I never again recognize the person staring back at me in the mirror, or is she someone new? Someone I'll be forced to coexist with for the rest of my life? I guess only time will tell...

And while I'm on the subject of time...

One of my favorite "oldies" song is "Time in a Bottle" by Jim Croce. I had actually forgotten all about it until I heard it on the radio today. Maybe that's why "time" is so heavy on my mind.

So this is for you Brittany Erin...my love for you is timeless...as will also be my pain...until we're together once again. <3

Time in a Bottle by Jim Croce

If I could save time in a bottle
The first thing that I'd like to do
Is to save every day
Til eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you

If I could make days last forever
If words could make wishes come true
I'd save every day like a treasure and then,
Again, I would spend them with you

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
I've looked around enough to know
That you're the one I want to go
Through time with

If I had a box just for wishes
And dreams that had never come true
The box would be empty
Except for the memory
Of how they were answered by you

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
I've looked around enough to know
That you're the one I want to go
Through time with...

If you'd like to hear the song, the youtube link is below...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fyTfbtZeGeU

Mother's Day

My mom, she tells a lot of lies

   she never did before

But from now until she dies,

   she'll tell a whole lot more

Ask my mom how she is

   and because she can't explain

She will tell a little lie

   because she can't describe the pain

Ask my mom how she is

   she'll say "I'm alright"

If that's the truth, then tell me

   why does she cry each night?

Ask my mom how she is

   "I'm fine. I'm well. I'm coping."

For God's sake mom, just tell the truth

   just say your heart is broken

She'll love me all of her life

   I loved her all of mine

But if you ask her how she is

   she'll lie and say she's fine

I am here in Heaven

   I cannot hug from here

If she lies to you, don't listen

   hug her and hold her near

On the day we meet again

   I'll smile and I'll be bold

I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here, Mom"

   with all the lies you told!

~Author unknown~

Mother's Day. What a paradoxically emotional day that was for me. While trying to celebrate the priceless gift of being the mother to my precious little boy, I was also painfully aware of the gaping hole, the incompleteness of my heart...the absence of my daughter. And like pouring salt in a wound, Mother's Day happened to fall on May 8...the ten month anniversary of Brittany's accident...the ten month anniversary of what lead to that gaping hole. How's that for cruel irony?

I had never given it much thought before, but I now find myself keenly aware of how other parents who have had a child die refer to that child. For example, someone I didn't know but had struck up a conversation with recently at my son's school asked me if I had any other children. I immediately said, "Yes." It wasn't something I had to analyze before answering. "Boy or girl?" she asked. "Girl," I said. "How old is she?" the woman casually inquired. "She's 21 and recently died in a car accident." That's quite the conversation killer (no pun intended) and I could tell I had made the woman very uncomfortable. It clearly wasn't the direction she expected our little chat to go. But how was I supposed to respond? Is there a "correct" way of referring to a child that is no longer living on this earth? I certainly wasn't going to say, "Well, I HAD a daughter too, but she recently died." I will always HAVE a daughter. I will always be her mom. I will always HAVE two children. There is no "had" about it. Being Brittany's mom didn't cease the day she died. I may have been forced to stop doing other things when she passed away...pay her cell bill, buy her clothes, send her money (often)...wipe her tears...hold her tight...but I will never stop being her mom...and I am thankful for that privilege. I am eternally grateful for the blessing...for the gift...of being the mother of two extraordinary children...Brittany and Bryson...and being their mother will never cease. It is a lifetime bond that defies all time and space.