"Dear friend, guard Clear Thinking and Common Sense with your life; don't for a minute lose sight of them. They'll keep your soul alive and well, they'll keep you fit and attractive. You'll travel safely, you'll neither tire nor trip. You'll take afternoon naps without worry, you'll enjoy a good night's sleep. No need to panic over alarms or surprises, or predictions that doomsday's just around the corner, because God will be right there with you; He'll keep you safe and sound."
Proverbs 3: 21-26
Hi Everybody. Wow...I hadn't realized it's been over a month since my last entry. But I've been stuck. No, I've been lost. Not just emotionally...that's a given. But spiritually lost, too...again. And not only am I frightened by it, I'm ashamed of it, too.
I've always been very honest with you all about my faith and how I believe God has used my writings as a road map back to Him. But somewhere along the way I've taken a detour. I've veered off the path God was mapping out for me. It wasn't a conscious decision to go off on my own; it just happened. And now I'm desperately trying to find my way back, because whatever unmarked road I've deviated off on has lead me straight into a macabre of darkness and its debilitating numbness. I guess at some point I took the wheel away from God and let autopilot take over. Sadly, my autopilot only has one destination programmed into its GPS: darkness. And with that darkness comes its constant companions: sadness, loneliness, despair, regret, shame, brokenness...it's like a truck stop for the suffering. Well, I've never liked truck stops and I want out...but I'm scared...because no matter how cognitively resolute I am about leaving this dark place behind again, it's become my comfort zone. Maybe that's why I keep coming back. It's what I know. But if I continue to make u-turns on my journey...if I continue to turn away from God's light and let my autopilot navigate me back into the darkness...it will destroy me. Both physically and spiritually. And it's the spiritual death that frightens me the most. God was instilling hope within my heart. He was lighting the way for me and holding my hand as we walked along together. But then I let go, leaving him standing somewhere along the roadside as I continued on alone.
That's why I'm ashamed. I became frightened of the hope He was offering. What an oxymoron that thought is. Frightened of hope? Yes...I am frightened of hope. Frightened that if I cling to the hope God is promising, I'll finally have to accept that Brittany is absent from my life and frankly, I don't know if I'm emotionally ready to do that. It's true...even after all this time, I've truly yet to accept the realization that my little girl is gone. Sometimes it's a conscious decision, while others it's just innate. In my heart and mind, I don't want her to be gone...ergo, she isn't. I pretend I just haven't spoken to her in a while. If that makes me crazy, then so be it.
Over the past 21 months, I have developed a cherished friendship with a wonderful Christian, Amy Probst. In fact, I didn't really know her that well until this tragedy. And while it's unfortunate we had to meet under the circumstances in which we did, neither of of us believe in coincidences. We know that God waited until this time to nurture our friendship because He knew I would need her unwavering faith and guidance as I struggled with my sorrow and my struggle to let God back in. She is, without a doubt, the most fierce friend and prayer warrior I have ever met. Amy has been extremely instrumental in my journey back to God...even through my darkest times. While I told her this recently, I don't think she'll ever fully comprehend the positive impact she's had on my life. In fact, if it weren't for her, I shudder to think where I might be right now emotionally...but most importantly, spiritually. The nightmares I've been plagued with recently, the cruel and invasive attacks satan has waged against my pain and vulnerability...she listens and prays for me vehemently. She uses tough love in a kind and gentle way. If I become half the Christian she is, I will consider myself extremely blessed. So, thank you Amy. I thank God for your unconditional love and consistent presence in my life everyday. But more importantly, I thank Him that I have you to remind me that by clinging on to His hope doesn't mean I have to let go of Brittany. I can hold on to both of their hands. Holding on to one doesn't mean letting go of the other. This journey to find a new normal is something I can do with both of them by my side.
Friends, most of you know that I rededicated myself to Christ last summer. But it's important to point out that even under the best of circumstances, Christians stumble. Becoming one with Christ doesn't mean our lives will be perfect and pain free from that point forward. We will be tested in our faith. We will pout and tune God out.That's when satan is at his prime. And recently, he's been having an all out house party in my life! But the party is over. I cry out to God everyday for strength. I told Amy that I was having a difficult time praying. My mind was full of white noise and the words just weren't there. She suggested I try something. She instructed me...challenged me, really...to just sit on my couch and imagine God sitting right next to me...which I'm sure He was. And she said just talk out loud to Him like I would a friend...like I would to her. Voice my fear, my anger, my battles, my struggles, my pain...everything. She warned me that it would be awkward at first...and she was right. But you know what? It helped! And it's something I strive to do regularly now...often over coffee. So if you struggle with praying, if you think you have to speak to God in some structured manner, you don't. He's a friend who loves you. And He listens.
So that's where I am now. I've made yet another u-turn, but this time I believe it's back in the right direction. It hasn't been easy, and I don't expect it to be easy. I have a lot of ground to make up for and I will stumble...often. But just as I knew I would, I found God waiting for me where I left Him on the roadside. "Ready to try again?," is what I imagined him saying with a smile on his face. He wasn't angry. In fact, He had been waiting patiently for me to come to my senses and get back on His path...the only path that promises hope. Is the path clear and hurdle free? For God, yes. For me, no. But it's all part of this quest I'm on. One step forward, two steps...or more...back. But that's the great thing about giving yourself over completely to Christ. We may stumble and fall, but He won't. And as long as you put your trust in Him, He will always be there waiting for you to grab hold of his hand. I let go...but now I've got a white knuckled grip on Him. Because without God's help, I will die emotionally. But more frightening than that, I will die spiritually. And that, my friends, is not something I want to happen. Because if I do, I won't be given the gift of being reunited with Brittany one day and meeting Jesus. I refuse to take that risk.
I want hope. I strive for hope...and someday, as unlikely as it may seem right now...even healing. I can be petulant and stubborn. Thankfully, I have a God who is loving and patient and can take my temper tantrums, and outbursts of pain and anger and still be waiting with open arms afterwards. "Finished?" I imagine Him saying. "For now," I pout.
I love you Brittany Erin...forever and always...no matter what <3
