Comfortably Numb

"When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse
 Out of the corner of my eye
 I turned to look but it was gone
 I cannot put my finger on it now
 The child is grown the dream is gone...
 I have become comfortably numb"

(Lyrics from Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb")

...That's often how I feel, although I don't know if I would define my numbness as exactly "comfortable." But I guess sometimes it is. Even after nearly 11 months of trying to survive this incomprehensible nightmare, my pain and brokenness remain unchanged. In fact, on many days it seems to grow more intense. "Time heals all wounds" certainly doesn't apply in this situation...the senseless death of Brittany. Perhaps that's why I often  let the numbness consume me. Maybe it's a reprieve...albeit a short one...from the constant anguish I breathe in and out each day. Perhaps, even if for just one fleeting moment, I just...am. No thoughts, no tears, no anger or denial. Just April. Certainly not the old April...the quirky, quick witted, extremely dry humored girl who could have almost complete conversations with her husband using nothing but one-liners from movies and comedians. Maybe that part of me is numb forever...comfortable or not.

Tomorrow is June 8...the 11 month anniversary of Brittany's accident and one month closer to the year anniversary of the beginning of my life without my little girl. I could hope for numbness, but I fear it won't come. My husband wants me to try and remember the 8th of each month as a happy occasion. Happy because Brittany was so incredibly excited to be turning 21 and flying to Florida to celebrate with her family...Brett, Bryson and her momma. I'm not sure I'll be able to do that though. I've always been a "glass half empty" kind of girl. But I will try. I will try and remember how delirious she was about our countdown...to her birthday...to her trip...to being reunited with her mom again...two halves of a whole complete once more. I will try and smile at the memory of her own beautiful smile...the way her eyes sparkled when she laughed...the way she felt in my arms when I held her. So I will try. I may be numb doing so...but for my little girl...I will try.

I love you my beautiful Angel <3