Timeline of Grief

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love. ~Washington Irving


I tried...but failed. My last blog was right before June 8th...the 11 month anniversary of the accident. I told my husband...and my daughter...that I would try to remember the 8th of every month as a "happy" day. Happy because of Brittany's happiness. And so I tried...and failed miserably. Happy? I don't even know what that feels like anymore. Not true happiness anyway. Not complete, untroubled, blissful happiness. I hope I didn't take it all for granted before. I hope I embraced ALL the moments with Brittany...big and small. And I'd like to think I did just that...embraced them for what they were...gifts. The gift of her smile. The gift of her carefree laugh. The gift of holding her. The gift of a moment in time that will last forever. But the one gift I have never...nor will I ever take for granted...is the beautiful life Brittany and I built together and the special bond between us that can never be severed. And if you remember anything from this blog, please let it be this: There are no do overs. There are no mulligans. Just lost moments. Cherish...embrace...love...now. Big moments and the not so big. Because every moment you share with your child is a big moment. Trust me.

The month I've been dreading for a year now is just days away. Once again, I've retreated into my dark place, isolating myself from friends and family and any interaction with the outside world, whatsoever. Do I feel safe there or is it just familiar? I don't know. What I do know is I want to avoid the entire month of July completely. I want time to stop. No, I want time to reverse itself. I want to go back in time to right this terrible wrong. I want time to give my daughter back to me. Unreasonable? I don't think so. Ludicrous? Of course. I've never claimed to be of sound mind though. At least not anymore. Is it possible to completely ignore an entire month on the calendar? Can't I just skip from June 30 straight to August 1? July was a blur to me last year anyway, so why acknowledge it now? Acknowledging it means to accept the unacceptable...to face the incomprehensible. I don't know if I'm ready for that. I've been told, though, that it's time I should be ready. Ready to move on, move forward, get through it, etc. To that I say...please show me a timeline to grief and I will do my best to follow the directions in a "timely" manner. Until then...well, I think I'll just follow whatever "timeline" my mental faculties are capable of. There is no "cookie cutter" blueprint to rebuilding your life after the death of a child. And if there is such a thing out there...it's not worth the paper it's written on. 

So as much as I'd like to sleep through the entire month of July...as much as I'd like to pretend it has been omitted from the 2011 calendar...I will try and survive. I will remember the gifts that time did give me. And I will cry. But as Washington Irving so powerfully articulated it: " There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love."

I love you Brittany Erin...always and forever <3