Destination

"It's not the destination that matters...it's the journey."

I've probably heard that aphorism countless times throughout my life and never given it a second thought, but when I heard it the other day on some random commercial, I realized just how misleading that seemingly harmless maxim is. I mean, what's the point of this painful journey I've been unwillingly thrust upon...this "quest for a new normal"...if my final destination doesn't matter? Don't they both matter? I realized that for me...they do. In fact, I would hate to think that I'll spend the rest of my life wandering aimlessly, day in and day out, with no "destination" in sight. After all, do we pack up our cars and head out on vacation with no idea where we might end up? Isn't there at least some planning involved in the process? Maybe for some, planning isn't important. Maybe for some, the journey is the excitement and the mystery of where they might end up is the ultimate climax of that journey. For me however, that kind of spontaneity makes me nervous. 

Perhaps if Brittany hadn't died I wouldn't have become so focused on my destination...obsessed even. Undeniably, this unplanned quest has completely blindsided me and is undoubtedly the most excruciating thing I will ever endure. Now, as a result, I'm carefully planning my journey to reach a very specific destination...Heaven...God...and Brittany...because that's where she now lives. And someday, I want to live there, too.

Which brings me to my next point...

Chuck Swindoll of Focus on the Family once said, "I have tried and I cannot find, either in Scripture or in history, a strong-willed individual whom God used greatly until He allowed them to be hurt deeply." Am I strong-willed? I don't know. Before this tragedy I would have, without hesitation, emphatically answered, "Yes!"...stubborn even (according to some, anyway). Do I believe God allowed this unspeakable hurt to consume my life for some greater good? I don't know the answer to that either. I would like to think so, though. I would like to believe that this accident...my little girl's death...my pain...my brokenness...aren't pointless. I would like to believe that God has a plan for me. I just haven't figured out what that plan is yet. Change the world? Very unlikely. Change me? Most definitely...even if I don't agree with the manner in which He has chosen to do so. Maybe someday I'll understand why. In fact, I'm counting on just that.

In ten days it will be nine months since my daughter...my "pretty girl" as I always call her...died. It's still hard for me to process that...to accept it. And despite the amount of time that's passed, I'm still only steps into my quest. I'll be the first to admit that I am directionally challenged...even with today's GPS technology. In fact, if I had a dollar for each time that frustrating little gadget has told me it's "rerouting" me or to "make a legal U-turn," I'd be a very rich girl. But despite my occasional ineptitude to follow directions, I believe God has placed me on this journey...this "quest for a new normal"...for a reason. And right now, my quest is one in search of acceptance...understanding...healing...and hopefully someday...peace. Regardless, the one thing I know for sure...my destination isn't unknown. And Brittany, with her beautiful smile and stunning blue eyes, is right there waiting for her momma with arms wide open...and Jesus by her side.  

I love you pretty girl~