Choices

"Suffering is part of the human condition, and it comes to us all. The key is how we react to it, either turning away from God in anger and bitterness or growing closer to Him in trust and confidence."  ~Billy Graham


The past few days have been excruciatingly painful for me...today in particular. I've already survived two of my three "reminder" dates this month...the 8th (Brittany's accident) and the 13th (Brittany's death). Tomorrow is reminder date number three...the day I had to "relocate" her (aka "bury"). You all know how I feel about that word. Can it be nine months already? How is that possible? I don't want to move on. In fact, I know there will never be any "moving on" for me at all. "Moving forward" is the best I can hope for and right now, I can't. I'm not ready.

I am a huge fan of Billy Graham, but when I came across the above quote, it caused me to stop and think. Are there really only two options to how I choose to react to my suffering? (1) Turn away from God in anger and bitterness or (2) Grow closer to Him in trust and confidence. What about a third option? What if I choose to turn TO God in anger and bitterness, while hopefully...somewhere along the way...grow closer to Him in trust and confidence? 

Off and on throughout my entries I've talked about my faith, and I will be the first to admit that sometimes it fluctuates so much on a daily basis that I give myself spiritual and mental whiplash. Some days it's strong. Some days it's weak. Today it's the latter. I called my brother (a pastor) sobbing inconsolably today to ask the proverbial, unanswerable question: Why? It wasn't fair of me to put him on the spot like that and silly, really, for me to ask something that absolutely no one, this side of heaven anyway, knows the answer to. I cried out to God...stubbornly stomping my feet and shaking my fists demanding an answer...now! "Answer me", I demanded, or give her back! Neither happened. Of course, I had already anticipated that. It never hurts to try, though.  My brother suggested that perhaps God is trying to get my attention. Well, guess what? He's got it. Now what? Maybe the answer is there and I just can't see it or hear it. I don't know.

You know the tired truisms, "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger?" Or, "God never gives us more than we can handle?" Well, some days I feel like I'm dying and some days I feel like God has seriously overestimated my strength. Nevertheless, I will continue on this wretched quest. After all, what choice do I have? Oh, that's right. Option 3 above: Turn TO God in anger and bitterness instead of AGAINST Him, while hopefully...somewhere along the way...grow closer to Him in trust and confidence. I've heard He has big shoulders and can handle my anger. I'm counting on that.