Easter Memory

~Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,

love leaves a memory no one can steal~

Today is Easter. But instead of recognizing and celebrating the true meaning of this holiday, I am consumed with sadness once more...and memories of past Easter mornings when Brittany was a little girl...waking up with sparkling, sleepy blue eyes and a head full of blonde tousled hair falling around her beautiful face.

My absolute favorite Easter morning Brittany and I shared was when she was 5 years old. As do most children, she had been begging me for a puppy...almost from the time she could form complete sentences! The older she got, the more earnest her pleas became. So, that year...1995...I finally consented. She just didn't know it yet. I had decided a small, cuddly dog would best suit her (and me, since I knew I would be the primary caretaker and Brittany the primary cuddler). Several weeks before Easter that year, a litter of Shih Tzus was born at a nearby breeder. It seemed like fate. So, I surreptitiously went to scope it out...and I was sold (literally). How could I deny her such an adorable, lovable little creature? I wrote the check and made my arrangements to pick the dog up the day before Easter...which was still about two weeks away. Keeping such an exciting surprise from Brittany was extremely challenging...at best. Each time I looked at her sweet little face, I wanted to pick her up in my arms and shout, "Guess what???" But I waited. And let me tell you, it was worth the wait. I'm not even sure words can describe how priceless that Easter morning was.

After Brittany had fallen asleep that Saturday night, a friend who had been "hiding" the dog for me brought it over in its little kennel. I kept it in the back room so Brittany wouldn't see it right way when she woke up. I placed a huge, stuffed, pink floppy-eared bunny on top of the kennel with a note that read, "Dear Brittany, this is Callie. She's been waiting for you for a very long time! Please take good care of her for me. Love, the Easter Bunny." Then...I waited...again. Thankfully, Callie played along with the ruse because the little thing didn't make a peep all night long.

It was a tradition in our house that every Easter morning I would hide a huge basket for Brittany, which she would immediately scour the house for as soon as her eyes popped open. 1995 was no exception. Once she located the basket and realized what it contained, her little face frowned in frustration. "Mommy, the Easter Bunny made a mistake! This is all dog stuff!" And right on cue, from the back room, little Callie started to whine. A confused but excited look came over Brittany's face and she ran to find the source of the noise. I wish I had been able to record it because the look on her face was priceless. I can still see it just as clearly today as I did 16 years ago. "Mommy!!!! Look!!!" She scooped the little black and white fur ball up in her arms and squealed, "Her name is Callie. Isn't she cute?" That was one of the happiest moments in my life. And I think it was for her, too.  

Happy Easter my beautiful Angel.

I love you Brittany Erin <3

Choices

"Suffering is part of the human condition, and it comes to us all. The key is how we react to it, either turning away from God in anger and bitterness or growing closer to Him in trust and confidence."  ~Billy Graham


The past few days have been excruciatingly painful for me...today in particular. I've already survived two of my three "reminder" dates this month...the 8th (Brittany's accident) and the 13th (Brittany's death). Tomorrow is reminder date number three...the day I had to "relocate" her (aka "bury"). You all know how I feel about that word. Can it be nine months already? How is that possible? I don't want to move on. In fact, I know there will never be any "moving on" for me at all. "Moving forward" is the best I can hope for and right now, I can't. I'm not ready.

I am a huge fan of Billy Graham, but when I came across the above quote, it caused me to stop and think. Are there really only two options to how I choose to react to my suffering? (1) Turn away from God in anger and bitterness or (2) Grow closer to Him in trust and confidence. What about a third option? What if I choose to turn TO God in anger and bitterness, while hopefully...somewhere along the way...grow closer to Him in trust and confidence? 

Off and on throughout my entries I've talked about my faith, and I will be the first to admit that sometimes it fluctuates so much on a daily basis that I give myself spiritual and mental whiplash. Some days it's strong. Some days it's weak. Today it's the latter. I called my brother (a pastor) sobbing inconsolably today to ask the proverbial, unanswerable question: Why? It wasn't fair of me to put him on the spot like that and silly, really, for me to ask something that absolutely no one, this side of heaven anyway, knows the answer to. I cried out to God...stubbornly stomping my feet and shaking my fists demanding an answer...now! "Answer me", I demanded, or give her back! Neither happened. Of course, I had already anticipated that. It never hurts to try, though.  My brother suggested that perhaps God is trying to get my attention. Well, guess what? He's got it. Now what? Maybe the answer is there and I just can't see it or hear it. I don't know.

You know the tired truisms, "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger?" Or, "God never gives us more than we can handle?" Well, some days I feel like I'm dying and some days I feel like God has seriously overestimated my strength. Nevertheless, I will continue on this wretched quest. After all, what choice do I have? Oh, that's right. Option 3 above: Turn TO God in anger and bitterness instead of AGAINST Him, while hopefully...somewhere along the way...grow closer to Him in trust and confidence. I've heard He has big shoulders and can handle my anger. I'm counting on that. 

Destination

"It's not the destination that matters...it's the journey."

I've probably heard that aphorism countless times throughout my life and never given it a second thought, but when I heard it the other day on some random commercial, I realized just how misleading that seemingly harmless maxim is. I mean, what's the point of this painful journey I've been unwillingly thrust upon...this "quest for a new normal"...if my final destination doesn't matter? Don't they both matter? I realized that for me...they do. In fact, I would hate to think that I'll spend the rest of my life wandering aimlessly, day in and day out, with no "destination" in sight. After all, do we pack up our cars and head out on vacation with no idea where we might end up? Isn't there at least some planning involved in the process? Maybe for some, planning isn't important. Maybe for some, the journey is the excitement and the mystery of where they might end up is the ultimate climax of that journey. For me however, that kind of spontaneity makes me nervous. 

Perhaps if Brittany hadn't died I wouldn't have become so focused on my destination...obsessed even. Undeniably, this unplanned quest has completely blindsided me and is undoubtedly the most excruciating thing I will ever endure. Now, as a result, I'm carefully planning my journey to reach a very specific destination...Heaven...God...and Brittany...because that's where she now lives. And someday, I want to live there, too.

Which brings me to my next point...

Chuck Swindoll of Focus on the Family once said, "I have tried and I cannot find, either in Scripture or in history, a strong-willed individual whom God used greatly until He allowed them to be hurt deeply." Am I strong-willed? I don't know. Before this tragedy I would have, without hesitation, emphatically answered, "Yes!"...stubborn even (according to some, anyway). Do I believe God allowed this unspeakable hurt to consume my life for some greater good? I don't know the answer to that either. I would like to think so, though. I would like to believe that this accident...my little girl's death...my pain...my brokenness...aren't pointless. I would like to believe that God has a plan for me. I just haven't figured out what that plan is yet. Change the world? Very unlikely. Change me? Most definitely...even if I don't agree with the manner in which He has chosen to do so. Maybe someday I'll understand why. In fact, I'm counting on just that.

In ten days it will be nine months since my daughter...my "pretty girl" as I always call her...died. It's still hard for me to process that...to accept it. And despite the amount of time that's passed, I'm still only steps into my quest. I'll be the first to admit that I am directionally challenged...even with today's GPS technology. In fact, if I had a dollar for each time that frustrating little gadget has told me it's "rerouting" me or to "make a legal U-turn," I'd be a very rich girl. But despite my occasional ineptitude to follow directions, I believe God has placed me on this journey...this "quest for a new normal"...for a reason. And right now, my quest is one in search of acceptance...understanding...healing...and hopefully someday...peace. Regardless, the one thing I know for sure...my destination isn't unknown. And Brittany, with her beautiful smile and stunning blue eyes, is right there waiting for her momma with arms wide open...and Jesus by her side.  

I love you pretty girl~