Semantics

~Just because you're living doesn't mean you're alive ~

Merriam-Webster defines living as: having life; full of life or vigor; suited for living, etc. Other words used to further help us understand what 'living' is include: functional, viable, useful, productive...you get the idea.

Antithetically, the word exist is defined as: to continue to be; to have being in a specific place; and the most disturbing of them all: to live at an inferior level or under adverse circumstances. In other words...you just are.

So why the vocabulary lesson? I've been having an extremely difficult time lately. I sleep...a lot...or not at all. I don't eat because I forget to, which is now causing residual medical complications. I have crippling panic attacks that send me straight back to bed. I still cry a lot...even to the point of retching. Is that living...or simply existing? 

Not long ago, after one of my major breakdowns, my husband held me and said, "April, you're not living. You're just existing." What? I'm here, aren't I? I breathe. I take up space. I communicate (Kind of. I guess it depends on what method of communicating we're trying to define here). Therefore, I both live and exist, right?  Apparently not. Of course, on an intellectual level, I'm well aware of the differences between the two words, and, if asked, I could easily explain them...just not in the context of my own life...or existence. Presumably, I'm not full of vigor; I'm not very functional, nor am I useful or productive. Suited for living? Well, that one seems a bit harsh, don't you think? So which one defines me? I continue to be, ergo, I exist...seemingly at an 'inferior level', though, and under 'adverse circumstances.' Adverse circumstances? That's a colossal understatement! Would someone please explain to me how I'm supposed to harmoniously coalesce the two if I'm just existing under less than stellar conditions? After all, it's not like I can change my plight, and it certainly isn't mind over matter. "It's been over three years. Shouldn't she be living her life by now? Isn't it time for her to move on?" Perhaps many of you are thinking that right now. In fact, I would be willing to bet that a few of those closest to me...those who have consistently remained by my side from the very beginning, wonder just how long I will continue to stay trapped (or willingly linger) in the pain and seclusion of Brittany's death; her incomprehensible earthly absence from my life. I can't answer that.

Why should I allow others, myself included, the right to label me as one or the other, anyway? I am living...both for and through my son and husband. They fill me with joy and happiness everyday. God has blessed me immensely with my family. And believe me, there isn't a single day that passes that I don't thank Him for that. 

"Don't you want to move forward, honey?" my husband asked me. Hmm...a trick question. The most rational answer would be yes, of course. But that's not what I said...because being rational isn't something I excel at. My immediate response was, no...and here's why. For the first time since Brittany left me, I was finally able to articulate...both to myself and my husband...why I can't or won't forge ahead. 

Bear with me for just a moment, because the following is going to sound completely mental.

Using my fingers to represent a stick figure Brittany and a stick figure April, I said, "Imagine this finger as Brittany and this finger as me. What does "moving forward" mean?" I continued my illustration by moving "me" forward, while "Brittany" stayed put. I had left her behind...because she couldn't come with me. So, little stick April sprinted right back to little stick Brittany and didn't move. But the illustration doesn't end there. Little stick April is split in half...just like the real life April. It's like I'm trying to live two different lives in two different worlds: a world with just Brittany and me, and a world with Brett and Bryson...and no earthly Brittany. It's quite the paradoxical headache. 

Yes, I've heard them all. "You're not leaving Brittany behind. You'll carry her memories with you forever." "Brittany wouldn't want you to suffer like this. She'd want you to be happy." "You're not being fair to your husband and son." Frankly, I find that particular one quite judgmental. 

How long will I continue to just exist? Will I ever truly live again? I don't think so...at least not in the way the word live is broadly defined. The personality of the "old April" will never emerge again. She died. And that's irrevocable. Like my daughter's death. But a "new April?" Well, she's a work in progress.


Maybe I'm not traveling at warp speed in my quest to move forward. But I am moving...at my pace. Maybe I am emotionally straddling two worlds right now, desperately trying to bridge them together...but I am trying. Will I succeed? I guess only time will tell. But I believe with all my heart God will help me get there...when I'm ready. I may take a step or two forward, only to fall flat on my bottom, but God will always be there to pull me back up, gently hold my hand, and patiently say, "Let's try again."


In the meantime, I suppose I will continue to be the poster child for the elusive dichotomy between living and existing...until God, by His grace and mercy, makes me the official spokesperson for survival and redemption.

I love you Brittany Erin...timelessly <3