What a wonderful God we have...who so wonderfully comforts and strengthens us...
2 Corinthians 1: 3, 4 (TLB)
I had really hoped to have posted this much earlier today...October 19, because that number plays an extremely pivotal role in this story. And while I'm technically still writing it on the 19th, it won't post until after midnight. What's one more day, you may wonder? You'll see. Regardless, the most important thing of all about this story is not when it posts, but when the event happened...on July 19, 2015. Please just keep in mind that this story is a very personal and life-changing experience for me and no matter how long I sit at my computer writing, deleting, rewriting, deleting...I will never find the words to describe to you, to help you actually feel the grandeur and splendor of the miracle I am about to recount. I think that's why I've been struggling with this particular post for three months. Yes...three months! I won't even default to writer's block on this one. Honestly, I've been held back by my own fear of inadequacy to do this story justice. To breathe life into it. You see, it isn't just any story; it is a miraculous event that only God, Himself, could orchestrate...and it happened earlier this summer, July 19th...five years to the day I buried my beautiful Brittany...and was forced to choke out my final earthly goodbye.
What makes this story even more special is being blessed beyond measure to have shared it with someone who has grown very dear to me. In fact, had it not been for my beautiful friend, I never would have experienced this priceless gift from God...at all.
Dear readers, I'd like to introduce you to a person God placed in my life a couple of years ago...not just for a season...but for life. Someone who has become extremely special to me. Please meet Amanda Mergen...
~A Life Changing Road
Trip~
I can’t say I’ve ever taken any
trips that have changed my life and I really didn’t think this trip would be
any different. We planned a simple road trip to find peace and relaxation on
the beach and little did I know, I’d find so much more. I left with no expectations and I was excited
to spend time with my daughter, Liberty, and a good friend, April, on an
adventure to feel close to her dear angel daughter. I came home changed.
It was early on a July morning and
we set out on a 700 mile road trip to a place none of us had been, Biloxi,
Mississippi. It took us about 12 hours to
get there, but it was an adventure and it was fun. We didn’t have much planned and sometimes
that’s the best plan. We arrived late in
the evening at our hotel and settled in.
The next morning we took a tour of a mammal’s museum and enjoyed
touching sea life, and seeing a dolphin and sea lion show. This was the moment my daughter became
obsessed with dolphins. It was a great
experience, followed by a drive along the beach.
The following day we indulged in donuts and iced coffee, hung out on the
beach and did some shopping. On previous trips to beaches, my daughter was
scared of the sand and water, but this experience was different. She loved every moment of splashing in the
water and digging in the sand and didn’t want to leave. We spent the evening in
the pool and got a good nights sleep. On
our final day, we planned to relax by the pool in the morning and catch a
sunset on the beach in the evening to feel peace and send a special message to
Brittany, our angel. You see, I was not
blessed to meet Brittany before God called her home, but somehow I feel like I
know her, and someday I will. I, however, am very blessed to have her mom as my friend.
We woke up for our last day in Biloxi
and it was perfect weather for relaxing by the pool. It was quiet and peaceful and we soaked up
some sun and some swim time. After
napping, we awoke to gray skies and rain.
This was not part of our plan. I
knew April would be brought down by the weather, but I couldn’t help but feel
an urge to still go to the beach. I
needed to grab a few things at the store and was hoping we could stop to try a
snowball along the beach. We had been
talking about trying the snowballs since we saw the first truck with the
rainbow icy treat on the side on our first day.
Liberty was excited to have one. After convincing ourselves that we should give it a try, we grabbed
coffee, stopped at the store to get a few things, including flowers, and we
headed for the beach. It rained the
whole way there. As we pulled into the
parking lot, we parked, and as we got out of the car I turned to look at the
sky, and there it was. A faint
rainbow. I yelled out loud, “Brittany!" April
turned and saw it too and we smiled and cried and hugged. I had chills over my whole body (in fact, I
get them every time I think about this).
The rain stopped, the sky lightened, and as we watched, the rainbow got
brighter and then a second rainbow formed.
I took Liberty out of the car to soak up the moment with us. A smile appeared on her face and our
excitement spread to her. It was the
first rainbow she has ever really seen. What an incredible moment! We walked down the beach, to the spot we had
hung out before. We wrote Brittany’s
name in the sand and took pictures. All
the while, Liberty ran up and down the beach squealing with happiness. We took our flowers and spent time tossing
them in the water. The flowers blew in
the breeze and floated on the waves. This
was an experience I never expected having.
I felt an extreme closeness to God and was very thankful for the sign of
peace and comfort He sent April. There
are moments in life where you question where God is, or maybe you doubt He even
exists. I can honestly say that this experience
caused me to believe deeper than I ever have.
There is light even in darkness.
There are rainbows after the rain.
As we got back in the car to head to the hotel and pack up, the rain
started again. This time it wasn’t so
gray though, because out spirits were much brighter. We were given a special
time that was priceless.
As I look back on the trip, I
realize that we may not have had much of a plan, but God sure did. We may not have realized it, but He led us to
Biloxi, He planned our days, and He gave us exactly what we were looking for,
especially for April. It was
perfect. You see, God was showing me the
rainbow snowball, not because we needed to have a snowball, but because He was
going to show us a rainbow. I also
believe that Liberty’s new found love for the beach was because God sent
Brittany’s spirit to live in her at that moment. Brittany loved the beach and it warmed my
heart to see Liberty run up and down the beach and splash in the water. What a blessing! We had a special angel with
us and although physically she wasn’t there, she was in our hearts, on our
minds and watching over us.
It was a long drive back home, but
I felt our trip was complete. I am very
thankful for the time I had with April, Liberty, God and Brittany. Special bonds were formed and memories were
made. I can only hope that April knows
how important the trip was to me and how grateful I am that I got to experience
the wonders of God with her. It was
beautiful and breathtaking, just like Brittany.
It may have been our first trip, but I’m certain it won’t be our last.
~
I'm not sure how I'm supposed to top that! But I can honestly say that I have never shared an experience like this with anyone. Ever. I have also never had someone share something so profound with me from their perspective. My writings are always first person. But reading this...reliving this...through the eyes of someone else? Like Amanda, it gives me chills.
I'd like to share with you what happened before we made our gloomy trip to find a snowball treat for Liberty. After spending some time together at the pool the afternoon of July 19th, Amanda and Liberty decided to go up to the room for a nap. I had the pool to myself and there wasn't a cloud in the sky, so I opted to stay for a bit longer and just 'float.' I talked to God off and on during my time in the pool. I didn't ask for anything. I remember thanking Him for allowing us to take this trip, providing us with beautiful weather, no pressure, no agendas...we just were. And that's what I was looking for - just a little peace and quiet away from my everyday life. An escape from all the white noise that's constantly in my head. I just wanted to be. I wanted to be near the ocean, a place that makes me feel so close to God. A place that makes me feel close to Brittany. A place without all the tourism and chaos. I believe that's why God navigated us to Biloxi: beautiful, pristine beaches...and sweet serenity. Little did I know that much, much more was in His grand plan.
A couple of hours later, I made my way back to the room. It was still very sunny outside, but I'd been out long enough. Manders (as I affectionately call her) and Liberty were fast asleep. Soon, I was too, waiting for a beautiful sunset so we could drop flowers in the waves for my little girl. When I opened my eyes though, it was cloudy and raining...hard. I just lied in bed and cried. The most important part of this trip for me was ruined. It had been five years and I was finally strong enough to celebrate my little girl's life by tossing flower petals in the water and watch as the waves carried them away into the sunset. I was devastated. That's why the 19th was so important to me. It was five years ago that day when my husband had to peel me off Brittany's casket because I refused to put my baby girl in the ground.
Amanda had to all but drag me out of the room. What was the point? But God had other plans. If I remember correctly, I think Manders might have bribed me with the promise of Starbucks, too. (She followed through, by the way).
Amanda recounted everything beautifully and accurately...but most importantly, from her perspective...not mine. And that's what's been my challenge. How can I, in any copacetic manner, whatsoever, convey to you a 'something you had to see to believe,' moment? I can't. All I know is that when I saw that rainbow, I looked up to the sky and shouted, "Thank you, Jesus!" "I love you Brittany Erin!" And that's when the second rainbow started to appear. I shouted and cried some more, completely oblivious and uncaring about the stares I'm sure we were getting. If they only knew.
I walked out to the water and just stared at the sky, picturing God holding Brittany's hand, letting her see the events that were unfolding, and smiling. "This is what your mother needed, my sweet child. This is My gift to her, to give your mom something she has been in search of since I called you home. She needs to know, once and for all, that her little girl is safe in My arms...waiting until your reunion day." It was such a tangible, palpable image; I could almost feel myself standing next to them, embracing me. I watched Liberty with utter delight, listening to her joyous squeals and laughter, running and splashing without abandon. I closed my eyes as I listened, and for just a brief moment, I was transported back in time to a place where my own little girl was running up and down the shoreline, her wavy, blonde hair blowing gently in the ocean breeze, digging for shells and writing her name in the sand shouting, "Mommy! Loooook!" I smiled at that priceless memory from once upon a time, so thankful for her life, her laughter, her love...and thankful that God blessed me with not only being Brittany's mom, but giving me 21-years full of thousands of memories and moments in time that only she and I shared...memories and moments that can never be taken away. He blessed me beyond measure that evening, July 19, 2015, five years to the day I buried my sweet angel. He calmed my fears, quieted the noise in my head, held my broken heart and kissed my wounded soul. Who, among us, deserves such a gift? Who, among us, is worthy of something so grand and rare? I'm certainly not. Yet, for whatever reason, God granted me something I didn't even know I was looking for. Something I never thought I'd ever find. Something I never really understood until that night: inner peace. Not about my life, in general. Goodness! There are plenty of aspects of my life that are anything but peaceful! No, what I'm talking about is an extraordinary kind of peace He showered upon me as I stood in His presence on that beach. The peace of knowing...really knowing...that Brittany is safe in God's arms! I have always believed that Brittany is in Heaven. Okay, that's not quite true. There have been times I have wondered...worried. I suppose that's normal, though. Despite my past pleas and other, more subtle signs from God that Brittany is safe, I still worried. I no longer do. And that, my friends, is peace beyond all understanding!
I did not leave my grief behind. I am not...nor will I ever be... 'over it.' That's not what this trip was about. Amanda, Liberty and I set out dubbing this our "Celebrating Brittany" trip. And celebrate we did! We even took a little framed picture of Brittany with us everywhere we went...and 'selfied'' a lot! Brittany drank a watermelon margarita, got stuck in a palm tree with sand blinding us, helped navigate (me, anyway. Manders didn't need any help!), lounged in a beach chair by the ocean, and so much more. Brittany, Liberty and Bryson even got matching stuffed dolphins from the aquarium. Care to guess what Miss Liberty named them all? Biloxi! Perfect!
Thank you, Amanda and Liberty, for being by my side for this incredible journey. I don't deserve the miracle God gave me, but I am completely humbled and overwhelmed by His gift to me...a gift I never would have experienced without you. I love you both dearly <3
God is with us, and even in the midst of life's storms and troubles, we can turn to Him for the comfort and strength we need. (Billy Graham)
I love you Brittany Erin...eternally <3
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