Forgiveness

"It’ll clear the bitterness away

It can even set a prisoner free

There is no end to what its power can do

So, let it go and be amazed

By what you see through eyes of grace

The prisoner that it really frees is you."

From the song "Forgiveness" by Matthew West

I've been thinking a lot lately about forgiveness. For months I have been coming across quotes and songs on the subject. It seems no matter where I turn, there it is: Forgiveness. I joked around with a few people about how I thought God was trying to get my attention; but it wasn't until I was sitting in church recently when I was blindsided by the subject. I felt like I was the only one in the sanctuary with a spotlight focusing on me the entire time. "April Schuette...I'm talking to you." A "God thing" is what I call it. His way of telling me to write, because I find it extremely challenging to do so if I don't feel the presence of God in my words. That's why I've been so silent lately. I've been brooding...consumed by the challenging concept of such a simple word...forgiveness. I don't know about you, but I've struggled my entire life trying to choke out those three little words: I forgive you. 

So why now? Why add yet another log to the emotional and mental fiery hell that burns inside my very being? Hope. It's the hope of finally letting it go (if that's even humanly possible). You see, I don't subscribe to the abstract theory of "forgive and forget." Only one person is able to do that: God. Yes, we may tell someone we forgive them, but of course we never forget. At least not me. I'm a grudge holder. The "I remember exactly what you said and/or did to me, on what day, in what year, and what you were wearing" kind of grudge holder. It's not something I'm proud of and it's something I've worked very hard to overcome, and continue to do so, because there are still a few circumstances and individuals I need to set free from the bondage of my internal prison. But you want to know the one person who's really rotting away in that cell? Me. Alone. In solitary confinement. Why? Because over the years I have let them imprison me! I have given them the power to poison my life with anger and bitterness. What's even worse, though...and I'm so ashamed to admit this...there was a time in my life when I even plotted and played out various scenarios of revenge in my malcontent mind. That being said, parenthetically I would like to assure you that I spar with words, lest you draw the wrong conclusion and think I go around clocking people who make me mad. 

Right now, I'm struggling to forgive a few people who, I'm quite sure, don't even know the harm their words or actions have caused. They're not suffering. I am. It isn't their insides that are being corroded by anger and bitterness. Mine are. They're not the ones who brood and obsess or lose countless hours of sleep over something they probably have no clue about in the first place...and that's absolutely maddening, isn't it? In my mind, they should be suffering...not me. I'm the wronged party here (in my completely skewed opinion, anyway). I mean, how do I forgive the person who said to me the very day after my daughter died that, while we may have "resembled" each other, Brittany was "put together better than me?" (i.e. She's much prettier than I am). Very true...but still...ouch. And how do I forgive the person who said to me just weeks after my little girl died that I needed to get over it and move on? How do I forgive the person who told me that, had I indeed made other life choices, perhaps Brittany would still be alive today? What about family members and friends who have deserted me because they think the statute of limitations on grieving has passed? But the one I struggle with the most... the one that troubles me beyond any earthly explanation...is finding the strength and willingness to forgive the person who all but disowned Brittany, barely acknowledging her existence, while I spent years wiping away her countless tears of confusion and hurt, feeling so helpless because it was a wound a bandaid and a kiss couldn't fix. Brittany's pain was my pain. Literally. I felt every ounce of it. Releasing that deep seeded animosity is going to take some major intervention on God's end and a willing spirit to let it go on mine. But I refuse to spend the rest of my life consumed by something I'll never be able to change. I'd rather spend that time wrapped in the arms of the thousands of memories I have of Brittany and the love and friendship we shared.  


Unfortunately, it doesn't end there. 

Another major stumbling block on my road to forgiveness is my inability...or maybe just my unwillingness...to forgive the one person whose been sentenced to life in my mental prison of anguish. Myself. I mean, letting go of whatever wrongs I feel others have inflicted upon me is hard enough, in and of itself; but forgiving myself for a lifetime of wrongs I have inflicted upon others? That's no small feat. It isn't simply mind over matter, because if that's the case, my "matter" is a lot more formidable than my "mind". 

I made so many mistakes with Brittany, especially when I was young and single. I didn't realize it at the time, but she was an innocent victim of the train wreck my life had become and the destruction I left in its wake. I was my own conductor on that doomed train of life and she had no choice but to climb aboard, neither one of us knowing where it would lead. And you want to know something ironic about that entire ride? I used to call it my "Misguided Quest for Happiness." I even kicked around the grandiose notion of writing a book about it someday, because trust me when I say, I have plenty of misguided quests to write an entire novel. The most heartbreaking part of all, though, is I had no clue that my snarky, offhanded quip of being on a misguided quest for happiness would someday lead to my current quest...the quest for finding a new normal...without my little girl. And that's anything but happy. 

After suffering the death of Brittany, I tortured myself with all the "what ifs." What if I had made this choice instead of that one? What if I hadn't moved her around so much? The list is endless. But the biggest "what if" of all: did she forgive me? Am I to blame for her accident simply because I was young and selfish during her formative years and made stupid decisions? Everyone I've cried to about this has said, "Of course she forgave you. Look at how tightly bound you were to one another. You were her best friend and she trusted you with her deepest secrets." And you know what? I've finally come to believe it's true. (That's a huge breakthrough for me, by the way). Brittany and I were so in sync with one another and had such an odd and rare connection. We were inseparable, even when we weren't living together. Even now, I can still feel it, because that kind of bond can never be severed...not even by death. More importantly though, it could never have been forged in the first place without forgiveness...and unconditional love.  

I truly wish that we, like God, could forget when we feel wronged by others. But more than that, I wish we were able to forget our own transgressions instead of letting them hold us captive to a past we regret. But what about this? Maybe God didn't give us the ability to forget because He wants us to remember for the sake of our salvation. He doesn't want us to remember so we can continue to punish ourselves and/or others. He doesn't want us to remember so we stay trapped in the past with no hope for the future. I think He wants us to use our mistakes as a compass to find our way back to Him. How can we possibly move forward if we're constantly looking behind us? He wants to set us free. He wants to set me free. So...as challenging as it will be, I'm going to try my hardest to let God set me free from my past. What's done is done...and as much as I may desperately want to, I can't change the past. What I can change is my future. 

Will I ever truly forget? Of course not. I'm human...and if I were to deliberately allow myself to dwell on the past...on the people who have hurt me or my daughter...dwell on my own transgressions...I risk being consumed by anger, bitterness and remorse all over again. Once more, I would be forfeiting the power of my own self worth...and that, my dear friends, is simply unacceptable. Forgiving someone doesn't mean you have to let that person back into your life. It doesn't mean subjecting yourself to more pain and sorrow. It's about you and your spiritual well being. It's about trusting God and having faith in the power of His healing. 

As for all the people I've hurt in my life? Well, I may never receive their forgiveness, but I'm counting on God to cover those sins, too, and forgive me anyway...even if they don't...because in the end, when my life is over, it's only God's forgiveness that matters. 

Yes, my beautiful Brittany died. She was a cloned version of me in so many, many ways. Yet, despite all of our uncanny likenesses, the one thing I didn't pass on to her is my proclivity to hold grudges. She wasn't like that. And I don't want to be, either. Not anymore. I want to make my little girl proud. And I will.

Just remember...when you let bitterness and hate fester inside your soul, you become its incubator...and soon it will begin to thrive and poison you. Then, before you know it, years will have passed by and you'll realize the only person who truly suffered was you. Don't let it. Life is much too precious and far too short. Trust me. 

Right now, God is holding the key to my prison cell of bitterness and regret. He has yours, too. All we have to do is accept it...along with His forgiveness.  

"...as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us."

Psalm 103:12

Should we not do the same?