MISSING YOU
No words I write can ever say,
How much I miss you everyday.
As time goes on the loneliness grows,
How I miss you, nobody knows.
I think of you in silence, I often speak your name,
But all I have are memories and a photo in a frame.
No one knows my sorrow. No one sees me weep.
But the love I have for you
Is in my heart to keep.
I've never stopped loving you, I know I never will,
Deep inside my heart, you are with me still.
Heartaches in this world are many,
But mine is worse than any.
My heart still aches as I whisper low,
"I love you and I miss you so."
The things we feel so deeply are often the hardest to say
But I just can't keep quiet anymore, so I'll tell you anyway.
There is a place inside my heart that no one else can fill
I love you so, my precious child
...And I always will.
(Author unknown)
I've really been struggling lately. Writer's block. However in my case, since my writing and my journey have become so closely intertwined with my faith, I guess it stands to reason that there might be a blockage in that area, too. Not a roadblock erected by God, but by me...because I don't want to take another step forward.
In the 19 months Brittany has been absent from my life, countless people have told me that eventually I'll get through it and move on. Move on? To what? No, thank you. So that leaves me with the following choices: stop where I am right now, or...and this is the most troubling and anguishing one of all...move forward. In retrospect, I guess that's what I've been doing all along...until now...until I realized what's been happening. And it scares me. So I stopped moving.
I'm scared, because I feel like Brittany's slipping away from me. She's becoming a memory and memories aren't tangible. Grief is. Pain is. So as long as I hang on to my grief and pain, I can hold on to Brittany. She's more tangible to me that way. Completely misguided logic, I know. But lately, thinking about Brittany has become almost dream like...one of those beautiful dreams that you wish would come true, but know probably won't. I stare at her pictures and think to myself, "There's no way that beautiful little girl belongs to me. It's just too good to be true." So I immerse myself in my pain as a reminder that Brittany was indeed mine...is mine. I let myself go back to her bedside in the ICU for those five days in July 2010. I close my eyes and I can feel her in my arms. I can feel the warmth and softness of her skin. I can hear the magical sound of her beating heart...my heart...the heart that binds us together as one. I let myself remember what it felt like to kiss her face, cradle her in my arms and whisper in her ear. Because as long as I hold on to that...as long as I hold on to my brokenness, then I know she's real, and not just a beautiful dream. Not just a beautiful memory. I'm afraid if I let go of that, I will move forward...away from her...and, quite frankly, the distance I'm already forced to live with is more than I can stomach most days. So what if I don't want to move forward with my life? What if I choose to stay put? Unfortunately, and as heartbreaking as it is, I think I have to find a way to do just that...continue moving forward, searching for my new normal. 19 months ago I would never have believed I'd be having those thoughts, let alone writing about them. But I have another beautiful child who needs me, too. I have my husband to think about. So why do I feel like I'm abandoning Brittany? I don't want her to be just a beautiful memory that was too good to be true. I don't want to leave her behind. She's my baby...my best friend. And I need her to be tangible.
I was at a bible study the other day and one of the themes we discussed was letting God shine through our 'cracks.' Let Him use our pain and struggles for His triumph and glory. But I'm not cracked. I'm not a clay jar with tiny holes that water leaks through. I'm a pile of unrecognizable rubble. A shell of a person I don't recognize anymore because I imploded and I'm still struggling to breathe through the overwhelming dust and carnage. How can God use that? Is there really power in my brokenness as I learned in bible study? Is God using my tragedy to accomplish some larger purpose? I wish I knew. And I think that's part of the reason for my spiritual roadblock lately. I'm not only scared of leaving Brittany behind, but I'm afraid I'm too blinded and weak with brokenness to hang on to all the promises God made clear in the Bible.
But as weak as I feel sometimes...as afraid as I am that I'm becoming too weak to hang on anymore, I realized this: letting go of God's hand and dropping back into my 'valley of the shadow of death' would be like signing my own death certificate. Cause of death? Suffocation by means of spiritual and emotional asphyxiation. So instead, I'm clinging to the knowledge that no matter how dark my days become, no matter how much I feel like letting go, it is God's hold on my life that matters...not my own weak effort to hold on to His.
Thank goodness He's both strong and patient.
I love you little girl <3
In the 19 months Brittany has been absent from my life, countless people have told me that eventually I'll get through it and move on. Move on? To what? No, thank you. So that leaves me with the following choices: stop where I am right now, or...and this is the most troubling and anguishing one of all...move forward. In retrospect, I guess that's what I've been doing all along...until now...until I realized what's been happening. And it scares me. So I stopped moving.
I'm scared, because I feel like Brittany's slipping away from me. She's becoming a memory and memories aren't tangible. Grief is. Pain is. So as long as I hang on to my grief and pain, I can hold on to Brittany. She's more tangible to me that way. Completely misguided logic, I know. But lately, thinking about Brittany has become almost dream like...one of those beautiful dreams that you wish would come true, but know probably won't. I stare at her pictures and think to myself, "There's no way that beautiful little girl belongs to me. It's just too good to be true." So I immerse myself in my pain as a reminder that Brittany was indeed mine...is mine. I let myself go back to her bedside in the ICU for those five days in July 2010. I close my eyes and I can feel her in my arms. I can feel the warmth and softness of her skin. I can hear the magical sound of her beating heart...my heart...the heart that binds us together as one. I let myself remember what it felt like to kiss her face, cradle her in my arms and whisper in her ear. Because as long as I hold on to that...as long as I hold on to my brokenness, then I know she's real, and not just a beautiful dream. Not just a beautiful memory. I'm afraid if I let go of that, I will move forward...away from her...and, quite frankly, the distance I'm already forced to live with is more than I can stomach most days. So what if I don't want to move forward with my life? What if I choose to stay put? Unfortunately, and as heartbreaking as it is, I think I have to find a way to do just that...continue moving forward, searching for my new normal. 19 months ago I would never have believed I'd be having those thoughts, let alone writing about them. But I have another beautiful child who needs me, too. I have my husband to think about. So why do I feel like I'm abandoning Brittany? I don't want her to be just a beautiful memory that was too good to be true. I don't want to leave her behind. She's my baby...my best friend. And I need her to be tangible.
I was at a bible study the other day and one of the themes we discussed was letting God shine through our 'cracks.' Let Him use our pain and struggles for His triumph and glory. But I'm not cracked. I'm not a clay jar with tiny holes that water leaks through. I'm a pile of unrecognizable rubble. A shell of a person I don't recognize anymore because I imploded and I'm still struggling to breathe through the overwhelming dust and carnage. How can God use that? Is there really power in my brokenness as I learned in bible study? Is God using my tragedy to accomplish some larger purpose? I wish I knew. And I think that's part of the reason for my spiritual roadblock lately. I'm not only scared of leaving Brittany behind, but I'm afraid I'm too blinded and weak with brokenness to hang on to all the promises God made clear in the Bible.
But as weak as I feel sometimes...as afraid as I am that I'm becoming too weak to hang on anymore, I realized this: letting go of God's hand and dropping back into my 'valley of the shadow of death' would be like signing my own death certificate. Cause of death? Suffocation by means of spiritual and emotional asphyxiation. So instead, I'm clinging to the knowledge that no matter how dark my days become, no matter how much I feel like letting go, it is God's hold on my life that matters...not my own weak effort to hold on to His.
Thank goodness He's both strong and patient.
I love you little girl <3
I know you don't know me either, as many have said and posted, but i went to school with brittany and was in the grade below her. I didnt talk to her but a few times, so i can't say too much about her personally, other than the happiness she had was encouraging. I just wanted to let you know though, april, that i have occasionally read these posts and they are amazing and leave me speechless. Brittany's impact has been huge on you in ways you might not necessarily realize. As you search for a new normal, i will be praying for you, especially with the focus of Philippians 4:7! Your memories are not slipping away even though they may seem like they are. She has played a dominant role in bringing you so close to God it seems, and that in itself is the point of life. to grow closer in our relationship with our Jesus. And as she has helped you, you have in turn helped many people like me. Thank you So much for sharing your heart through this all, it is incredible! I wanted to leave you with a couple verses that provide as comfort to me that others shared. Romans 8:38-39, 2 corinthians 1:3-5. i really hope this helps. God is using you!
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