Figuring It Out

The hardest part about accepting the saying, "everything happens for a reason," is waiting for the reason to come along.

(A special thanks to my wonderful friend Kristy Breyer

for sharing this with me)

~ 

One year ago this month, in the middle of the night, I picked up the computer and randomly started writing...crying out, really. My beautiful Brittany had died just 6 months earlier. I was broken, alone and isolated...and I wanted to die. Literally. I wanted to stop breathing because it was too painful. I didn't want to sleep because waking up meant the pain started all over again...then waking up, wishing I hadn't. I wanted silence in my head because it was constantly screaming at me, "Brittany's gone. You'll never hold her again. You'll never see her smile or hear her laugh again. She's gone. Forever." It was like a broken record. A cruel, looping reminder that never shut up. I needed an outlet, not realizing at the time what my random, rambling posts would be about, or where it would lead. I just knew I wanted to share her story...and mine...because they are forever intertwined. I didn't want Brittany to be forgotten. And I needed a way to release what was slowly killing me. I didn't want to be on my "Quest For a New Normal" alone. So, through my endless sobbing, I wrote. And now, looking back over the past year of my blog, I can see how far I've come, even though sometimes it feels like I've never moved.

After my friend sent me the above quote, I remember telling her how very true that second phrase is..."waiting for the reason to come along." This Friday (yes, Friday the 13th, for all you superstitious people), it will be 18 months I've had to suffer daily without my little girl (at 5:10 p.m. to be exact), and I'm still waiting for the reason. Or am I? But I'll get back to that in a minute.

That quote got me thinking about all the other cliches I heard repeatedly for about the first year.

• "You might bend, but you won't break." Well, guess what? I broke. No, I shattered into a million pieces.
• "What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger." I died, so I guess that makes me weak.
• "God never gives us more than we can handle." I've said it before, and I'll say it again...either I grossly underestimate my ability to handle such unspeakable pain, or God seriously overestimates it!
• "It was meant to be." For whom was it "meant," may I ask? I can think of a thousand other people it should have been "meant" for: rapists, murderers, child abusers and molesters...need I go on?
• "God doesn't make mistakes." Well, of course He doesn't, which segues into the next cliche...
• "There's a purpose for everything." As much as I hate to admit it, I have to concede to this one, even though the purpose or reason isn't quite clear to me yet.

...or maybe it is...which brings me back to my earlier thought...

Could it be that I am just now opening my eyes to at least one reason why God allowed this to happen? When I say 'allow' I'm not implying that God caused this accident for His greater good. It's just the opposite. Because this tragedy happened, God is trying to use it for His greater good...in my life anyway. And maybe in others, too. I don't know.

Several months ago, I mentioned one particular cliche that really annoys me. "I'm sorry for your loss." Brittany isn't a set of keys I misplaced or a cell phone I can't find. She died. And now she's in Heaven. Yes, she is absent from my daily, physical life, but she is not lost.

But do you know who was lost? Me. And I didn't realize just how lost I truly was until I starting writing this blog. What started out as just a brokenhearted mother, struggling all alone, frighteningly misguided in darkness and despair, trying to find a new normal that I never wanted to begin with, has brought me back to Someone who's been with me all the time...holding my hand...wiping my tears as He cried with me...holding me up when I couldn't stand...breathing for me when I didn't have the strength or will to do it on my own...holding my hand each second of every day and shining His light in my darkness. Jesus. He's the one forging the way on my "Quest For a New Normal." I'm just following in His footsteps.

Do I want to know why Brittany was taken from me too soon? Of course I do. And someday, when we're reunited, I suppose I'll find out. But then again, will it really matter? I'll be home with my little girl...and with Jesus...and I'm pretty sure that will erase any lingering questions I ever had.

~

***I would like to thank everyone who continues to read my blog and send me prayers and encouragement regularly. Your support and comments...both private and published...touch my heart deeply and strengthen me more than I can express. While my blog only has around 70 "registered" followers, my tracking tool shows that nearly 26,000 people have read it! Thank you...and praise God for blessing me with the words each time I write. *** 

I love you Brittany Erin...always <3