Thanksgiving

The sky is filled with Angels
With puffy lacy wings
The remnants of God's beauty
With treasures they now bring

Each one of them a Guardian
That travels in the sky
To watch throughout eternity
Their parents from on high

Smiles that come from Angels
They fall like crystal rain
Eases earthly burdens
Lifting all life's pain

Halos so astounding
That glitter gold each day
Following their loved ones
In such a perfect way

Wings in gentle breezes
That fall from up above
Kissing every parent
With everlasting love

Angels soar through heaven

With everlasting light

Looking down from heaven

Saying their "goodnights"

Kissing all who loved them

So gently on the face

This life's tender mercy

Each parent can embrace

Wings and shiny halos

Travel from on high

Surrounding all their loved ones

They never say goodbye

~ Francine Pucillo ~

Thanksgiving. Last year at this time I was feeling anything but thankful. I was broken. I was numb. And I was angry. Very angry. In fact, I refused to even acknowledge Thanksgiving at all. I mean, what on earth did I have to be thankful for when one of my very reasons for existing...for breathing...was ripped from my very soul? So, while the rest of my family went to dinner and gave thanks, I went to be with Brittany in the blistering wind and rain and didn't give thanks. I was too blinded by grief and broken heartedness...too devastated and detached. My daughter was dead...and I wanted to be, too. And at this very moment, as I'm writing these very words, something else has occurred to me. I felt betrayed...betrayed by God. What had I ever done to deserve such anguish? What had Brittany ever done to deserve such a cruel fate? To have her life cut so short that she'll never see her dreams come true? I'll never see them come true, either. God had betrayed me...and my faith in Him. And I wasn't thankful.

But did He really betray me? The Bible doesn't promise us a life without sorrow. And as much as I wish it did, the Bible also doesn't promise we'll be given the gift of having our children forever. The only One who has that privilege is God. Brittany belongs to Him. We all do. That much the Bible makes very clear. Yes, she is mine, too. I felt her grow inside me and experienced the true miracle of giving life to a perfect little person. God entrusted me...He chose me over all others to be the mother of the most beautiful girl in the world...for 21 years and 4 days. He blessed Brittany and me with a bond that cannot and will not be severed. A connection that defies all time and space. And for that friends...I'm very thankful. 

Another thing I'm thankful for? My precious little boy. For reasons unbeknownst to me, God has entrusted me with yet another perfect, beautiful child...my son, Bryson...a tenderhearted, compassionate, gentle child who wakes with a smile on his sweet face every morning and a big hug for his mom. He has the purest soul of anyone...child or adult...that I have ever known. How can I not be thankful for that? And as bittersweet as it is, I'm thankful for the 10 1/2 years Brittany and Bryson shared together. I'm thankful for the privilege of watching firsthand, an unbreakable bond develop between brother and sister. A bond that I believe still exists today. In fact, Bryson tells me almost on a daily basis that Brittany is always beside him. I believe that, too. Because of their age difference, Brittany "mothered" Bryson and Bryson worshiped Brittany. The love between them was palpable. Even after we moved to Florida, Brittany and Bryson spoke often and many times, those conversations included a private piano recital for Brittany via speaker phone, as he played for her his newest masterpiece. Those moments are priceless and are forever ingrained in my mind.

I'm thankful for the blessing of my husband, Brett, who holds me up on the days I cannot stand on my own and for understanding my need to be alone with my grief sometimes in the darkness of my room. I love you.

And while it may seem a bit incongruant, I'm most thankful that through this tragedy, I have found my way back to Christ. I was recently re-baptized and recommitted myself to God. Has my grief subsided? Am I whole again? No. I still have countless days when I have to remind myself Brittany's absence is real. I still have days when I have no words to pray... but find comfort in the knowledge that I don't need words. I can sit in silence with God...because He knows. I'm also thankful because I have hope. Through the amazing grace of God...I have hope. 

Like I said nearly a year ago when I began writing this blog, as angry as I was at God for taking my little girl from me without explanation, I was, and still am to this day, more thankful to Him than angry for not letting her die at the scene of the accident on July 8, 2010. Thankful for keeping her perfect...no bruising or swelling...the perfection of her beauty untouched. Thankful for giving her the strength and courage to hang on long enough for me to reach her...and thankful for the last days I had holding her in my arms. Cradling her, stroking her hair, listening to the magical sound of her heartbeat, telling her how much I love her. God gave that to me. A year ago, I also said God gave me the gift of telling my little girl goodbye...but He didn't. No, He gave me something much greater...the gift of telling Brittany "I'll see you soon." And I will.  

So this year, I will give thanks. Thanks for what I do have. I have learned the hard way that material things just don't matter. Our house, our car, our bank account...or lack thereof. I cringe when I hear people complain about such petty things...all the "I wants," or "Why can't I have that?" If they only knew.

Be thankful for what you have and be genuinely grateful to God for having it. Embrace your children daily and tell them how much you love them and how proud you are of them. I'm thankful that I never let a single day go by without telling Brittany how much I love her...and I do the same with my little boy. And I will until I take my last breath.

Cherish...today. Be thankful...today...because not everyone has tomorrow.

I love you Brittany Erin <3