"A Mother holds her children's hands for a while . . . their hearts forever."
October 8, 2011...Fifteen months since my daughter's devastating accident, which means in just 5 days it will be fifteen months since she entered Heaven...and left me behind.
I try not to write on every "reminder" date, but I felt compelled to do so today because of a very special dream I had early this morning.
I recently started a prayer journal that includes all the people, situations, and other things I pray about. Right now it's about two pages long (I'm a girl of many, many words). I update it daily with new prayer requests or reminders to give thanks to God for His many blessings and answered prayers. (This really does connect with my dream...in case you're wondering). I've recently had a few prayers answered that made me smile or breathe a sigh of relief. There are also many prayers that have gone unanswered, which is why I also pray for patience and understanding.
At the top of my prayer list is one name...Brittany. That may not make sense to a lot of you. She's already in Heaven so what's the point, right? The point is, I do it for me. Selfish, I know. After all, I know where my little girl is and I know she's safe and happy. But I still worry. I guess as her mother, even though she died, it's something I'll always do. So each day when I'm talking to God, the first thing I ask Him to do is to stay with my little girl and hold her for me, because I can't anymore. I still cry out to Him to tell Brittany how much I love her and how much I still miss her. For months, I've been begging God to let me see my baby girl again. It's been so long. And even though He's given me other signs that I am so unworthy of, but extremely grateful for, I wanted more. I wanted Brittany...her face, her voice, her arms around me...just like the dream I had two weeks to the day after she died last year. I know I had no right asking Him for this and I always apologized for doing so, but still I asked. And this morning, He answered.
In my dream I was asleep, but a voice from the other room woke me up (in my dream...not reality). It was Brittany's. I have no idea who she was talking to or what she was talking about. The only thing I did know is my little girl was here. I remember struggling to wake up because I knew she would be leaving soon and I didn't want to miss her. I HAD to see her. I tried calling out for her but the words wouldn't come. Then, the next thing I knew, Brittany was sitting on the bed right beside me...smiling her beautiful smile. I laid there just looking at her and crying. Then she placed both of her hands on my face. "Oh, Brittany! I've missed you so much" I cried. She smiled at me and simply said, "I know you have, Mom." She pulled me up into her arms and embraced me tightly with her lanky, bony arms. And then I woke up. My dream had ended. I was filled with so many emotions. Happy yet sad. Empty yet full. Whole yet still broken. God had once again blessed me with the presence of my little girl...her smile, her eyes, her voice and her embrace. For that brief moment in time, Brittany and I were one again. Two halves of a whole reunited.
At the top of my prayer list is one name...Brittany. That may not make sense to a lot of you. She's already in Heaven so what's the point, right? The point is, I do it for me. Selfish, I know. After all, I know where my little girl is and I know she's safe and happy. But I still worry. I guess as her mother, even though she died, it's something I'll always do. So each day when I'm talking to God, the first thing I ask Him to do is to stay with my little girl and hold her for me, because I can't anymore. I still cry out to Him to tell Brittany how much I love her and how much I still miss her. For months, I've been begging God to let me see my baby girl again. It's been so long. And even though He's given me other signs that I am so unworthy of, but extremely grateful for, I wanted more. I wanted Brittany...her face, her voice, her arms around me...just like the dream I had two weeks to the day after she died last year. I know I had no right asking Him for this and I always apologized for doing so, but still I asked. And this morning, He answered.
In my dream I was asleep, but a voice from the other room woke me up (in my dream...not reality). It was Brittany's. I have no idea who she was talking to or what she was talking about. The only thing I did know is my little girl was here. I remember struggling to wake up because I knew she would be leaving soon and I didn't want to miss her. I HAD to see her. I tried calling out for her but the words wouldn't come. Then, the next thing I knew, Brittany was sitting on the bed right beside me...smiling her beautiful smile. I laid there just looking at her and crying. Then she placed both of her hands on my face. "Oh, Brittany! I've missed you so much" I cried. She smiled at me and simply said, "I know you have, Mom." She pulled me up into her arms and embraced me tightly with her lanky, bony arms. And then I woke up. My dream had ended. I was filled with so many emotions. Happy yet sad. Empty yet full. Whole yet still broken. God had once again blessed me with the presence of my little girl...her smile, her eyes, her voice and her embrace. For that brief moment in time, Brittany and I were one again. Two halves of a whole reunited.
I am no more special than anyone else this side of Heaven, and I have no idea why God chose to grant me such a priceless blessing, but I am so very grateful that He did.
Thank you, God. Thank you for showing me once more how great You are. And thank you for granting me one more moment with my beautiful daughter.
I believe I have one more entry to make in my prayer journal.
I love you Brittany Erin...forever and always...no matter what <3
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