Seasons

A Time for Everything

There is a time for everything

and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 (NIV)

My family was headed to a birthday party Saturday afternoon when my husband said, "I love this time of year." I didn't respond. I just sat in silence and stared out the window. I used to love this time of year, too. The beautiful color changes of the leaves, the smell of fresh orchard apples, crisp fall air, bonfires. Not anymore. Not this year, anyway. Because with the changing of the seasons comes the movement of time. With 2011 came another Winter without Brittany, then another Spring, now Fall...and soon, yet another Winter...and the holidays. Another holiday season without my best friend, without my other half, without my beautiful Brittany. No getting up insanely early to shop on Black Friday or watching her go crazy the day after Christmas, tearing up the mall with her Christmas money and gift cards.  And then, before I know it, the world will be ringing in 2012. Time is passing by much too quickly for everyone...except for me. In my little world, much of my time is still spent in 2010. It's like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, reliving the same day over and over again, only my movie has no humor. It isn't a comedy. Reality rarely is.

I'm sure we've all heard people say, "Change is good!" or "We should embrace change!" But I think for many people, it's just their way of saying  that something they didn't want to happen in the first place has happened, so what choice do they have? But then again, there are those who truly do like change and 'embrace' it. I'm just not one of them. I hate change. Even before Brittany died I hated it. And I hate it even more now. I'm also ashamed to admit the jealousy that overcomes me sometimes...many times, actually. I envy the seemingly effortless ways people meander through their day. I envy other mothers with their own daughters shopping and laughing or just being together. Girls of all ages, too. Little girls holding on to their mommies hands. That used to be me with my little girl. Teenage girls hanging out with their moms like they are the best of friends. That was once Brittany and me, too. And then there are the girls who are Brittany's age when she died...girls graduating from college, getting engaged, married, having kids. That will never be my little girl. I won't ever be able to share those experiences with Brittany. And while I would never look at another mother with malice or bitterness for having their own little girls to embrace, I still feel robbed...and it still hurts.

Just the other night, I was outside with my dog, Bella. The sky was perfectly clear and the air was crisp. I thoughtlessly glanced up at the dark, nearly starless sky, and the wind was knocked out of me all over again. I doubled over and sobbed. "She's really gone." The thought seemed so foreign to me...yet painfully familiar. And just like that, I was kicked back to square one.

The more things change, the more they stay the same. I think I understand what that truly means now. In fact, I know I do. I'm the living definition.


I love you Brittany Erin <3



  

Prayer Journal

"A Mother holds her children's hands for a while . . . their hearts forever."

October 8, 2011...Fifteen months since my daughter's devastating accident, which means in just 5 days it will be fifteen months since she entered Heaven...and left me behind.

I try not to write on every "reminder" date, but I felt compelled to do so today because of a very special dream I had early this morning.

I recently started a prayer journal that includes all the people, situations, and other things I pray about. Right now it's about two pages long (I'm a girl of many, many words). I update it daily with new prayer requests or reminders to give thanks to God for His many blessings and answered prayers. (This really does connect with my dream...in case you're wondering). I've recently had a few prayers answered that made me smile or breathe a sigh of relief. There are also many prayers that have gone unanswered, which is why I also pray for patience and understanding.

At the top of my prayer list is one name...Brittany. That may not make sense to a lot of you. She's already in Heaven so what's the point, right? The point is, I do it for me. Selfish, I know. After all, I know where my little girl is and I know she's safe and happy. But I still worry. I guess as her mother, even though she died, it's something I'll always do. So each day when I'm talking to God, the first thing I ask Him to do is to stay with my little girl and hold her for me, because I can't anymore. I still cry out to Him to tell Brittany how much I love her and how much I still miss her. For months, I've been begging God to let me see my baby girl again. It's been so long. And even though He's given me other signs that I am so unworthy of, but extremely grateful for, I wanted more. I wanted Brittany...her face, her voice, her arms around me...just like the dream I had two weeks to the day after she died last year. I know I had no right asking Him for this and I always apologized for doing so, but still I asked. And this morning, He answered. 

In my dream I was asleep, but a voice from the other room woke me up (in my dream...not reality). It was Brittany's. I have no idea who she was talking to or what she was talking about. The only thing I did know is my little girl was here. I remember struggling to wake up because I knew she would be leaving soon and I didn't want to miss her. I HAD to see her. I tried calling out for her but the words wouldn't come. Then, the next thing I knew, Brittany was sitting on the bed right beside me...smiling her beautiful smile. I laid there just looking at her and crying. Then she placed both of her hands on my face. "Oh, Brittany! I've missed you so much" I cried. She smiled at me and simply said, "I know you have, Mom." She pulled me up into her arms and embraced me tightly with her lanky, bony arms. And then I woke up. My dream had ended. I was filled with so many emotions. Happy yet sad. Empty yet full. Whole yet still broken. God had once again blessed me with the presence of my little girl...her smile, her eyes, her voice and her embrace. For that brief moment in time, Brittany and I were one again. Two halves of a whole reunited.

I am no more special than anyone else this side of Heaven, and I have no idea why God chose to grant me such a priceless blessing, but I am so very grateful that He did. 

Thank you, God. Thank you for showing me once more how great You are. And thank you for granting me one more moment with my beautiful daughter.  

I believe I have one more entry to make in my prayer journal.

 

I love you Brittany Erin...forever and always...no matter what <3