Two halves of a whole...two hearts made from one...
My heart is heavy today and I'm not sure why. Well of course I know why, but today it's like a heavy cloak suffocating me. Maybe it's the weather...or maybe it's the fact my "reminder" dates are once again bearing down on me. Or maybe it's because I caught myself yesterday referring to Brittany in the past tense. I make a conscious effort not to do that if possible. Brittany "IS" not "WAS." I felt the overwhelming sadness begin to consume me late last night and I fought hard...unsuccessfully...to stay awake, knowing all to well what would greet me this morning if I opened my eyes. And I was right. I couldn't breathe. I shut me eyes again and buried my head. Please don't let this be real, I begged. Please don't let her be gone. Sometimes I even try to fool myself into believing she's just really busy and has forgotten to call...and sometimes I still find myself instinctively reaching for the phone to call her or text her...to scold her for not letting me know she's alright. There are absolutely no words to describe the emptiness I feel...the hollowness...the excruciating pain and anguish that sucks the very breath from my lungs.
In many ways, Brittany and I grew up together. I wasn't much older than she is when I had her and I was a single parent for several years. It was the two of us against the world. We were best friends...and no matter where she is, she will always be my best friend and soul mate. We've always had a strange but special bond between us...almost like a "twin" connection surpassing any normal mother/daughter bond...two hearts made from one. It was almost like we were the same person...and now I'm only half alive.
I've heard so many people say that it gets easier with time...that you never "forget" but it becomes more "tolerable." For me though, the void only deepens and the pain becomes more intolerable. It's cruel. No parent should ever have to endure such anguish. No parent should ever have to be forced to look for a "new normal." I was perfectly content with my old one. And today I'm angry...and in pain...and I can't breathe.
I miss you painfully pretty girl. We'll always be two halves of a whole...two hearts made from one. I love you Brittany Erin...forever and always.
July 8, 2010 changed my life irrevocably. It was the day my precious daughter, Brittany Erin, turned 21. It was also the day that brought about her death on July 13, 2010, thus beginning my quest for a "new normal..."
April, i dont personally know you are your family...but I read your blog and fb all the time. I went to Mahomet High School and know a couple people the know Brittany. I couldn't even begin to image what you are going though, for I have a 18 month old....and just couldnt live if something happened to him. It seems that you are an amazingly strong woman and I commend you for you willingness to open up online about Brittany. She IS gorgeous and EVERYTIME I hear 2 certain songs on the radio I think of Brittany. I am sure she is watching over you and your family and she has definitely made heaven an even prettier place. I still think about the Sjuts too. TAke care of yourself and even though it is hard, keep on smiling.....when you smile, Brittany smiles!
ReplyDeleteHaley Ralston, Charleston IL
Brittany is definitely not forgotten! I worked with her for 2 years, and we have photos up at work. The other day I showed my 18 month old her picture and he said pretty. Everyone misses her greatly!
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