Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.
~
There is a war raging within me...a war between my heart and my mind. And while my heart has held the lead for what seems like an eternity, my mind is quickly closing the gap...and I don't like it. I don't want my mind to win. I want it to be left in the dusty trail of my broken heart. But my heart remains weak and weary...and afraid. Afraid that my mind will someday win this war, thus leaving my heart in its wake instead. You see, for 89 months now my mind has been screaming at my shattered heart that Brittany's absence from my life is real. It's permanent. She's not coming back. But my heart, despite its fragility and brokenness, is still fighting with all its might against accepting such a cruel and painful reality. Even after all this time.
I recently began reading a daily devotional book. I'm ashamed to admit It's been a long time since I've actually submerged myself in one. I'm a bit behind on my "days," but that's par for the course in my little world. I'm always late. Sometimes, I sarcastically quip that whenever my time comes to depart this world, I'll be late for that, too. Thankfully, this particular devotional is one you can jump into at any time. And I jumped in right when it started to speak of suffering. Why was I experiencing such a sense of deja vu? I've read about this before. But where? Then, there it was. On my Facebook timeline. Staring me right in the eyes. I had written about this back in 2011, right before Christmas, just 17 months into my quest. Now, in the six years that have passed since then, I realized I have dragged myself kicking and screaming to today, December 13, 2017.
89-months. Had anything changed? I normally don't revisit old posts. I don't want to remember what I was feeling or experiencing at that time. Time. I strongly dislike that four letter word. But, for whatever reason, I read it. And, while other aspects of my journey to my new normal have become different (another dirty word), as I read it, I sadly realized that this part of my quest hasn't really changed. Honestly, no matter how much time passes, I don't think it ever will - regardless of the time of year.
Suffering. More specifically, finding the strength to embrace suffering. Embrace suffering? Why on earth would I want to embrace my suffering when my heart has declared an all out war against my mind to avoid that very thing? Clearly, I hadn't embraced my suffering then, nor have I now. I mean, does anyone actually wake up in the morning and announce to the world, "Today I shall embrace my suffering! Bring on the pain!" Well, oddly enough, yes. There really are people like that. Maybe not shouting it in the overly zealous tone I just implied, but people whose faith is strong enough to give them the confidence and strength to make such a bold proclamation. People in pain...just like me. People so overwhelmed and crippled by their suffering...just like me. But unlike me, these people have found the strength and courage in God to do the unthinkable...embrace their suffering. Truth be told, I'm pretty sure most, if not all of these individuals would prefer not to be faced with the whole "to embrace or not to embrace their suffering" dilemma in the first place. And like them, my choices are limited. I can either attempt to embrace it, or I can choose to let it destroy me. Neither seems ideal.
Webster's Dictionary defines suffering as: "to submit to or forced to endure"...usually some kind of pain or unwanted circumstance. Meanwhile, Webster's defines embrace as: "to clasp in arms; hug; cherish; love; take up readily or gladly." Really? So does that mean I'm supposed to cherish my suffering? Love my pain? Take up readily or gladly my anguish? What's more, is it just me or does the very phrase itself, "embrace your suffering," seem like a callous contradiction? Here's what 'unwanted circumstances' I'm still being forced to endure: Brittany's constant absence from my life. Her smile...her laughter...her sparkling blue eyes...the intimate mother/daughter conversations and secrets we shared like best friends. And now, I'm being forced to endure yet another Christmas without her. How am I supposed to embrace that 'readily' and with 'love?' If anything, my pain continues to mercilessly seize me, and it's bound and determined to suffocate me to death.
But even I, in the midst of all my brokenness, have to admit that there is really only one way in which to embrace my suffering. Accept it...even if I can't do it easily...because choosing to let it destroy me isn't an option. Surrendering to my grief would be mindless and effortless. Without a doubt, I could quietly succumb to the darkness and let my pain consume me until I completely disappear. The easiest route? Probably.The acceptable route? Absolutely not. Not for me, anyway. Like then, I'm still struggling to make a conscience effort to focus on God and attempt to let Him use my pain for His good. How do I plan to do that? I'll get back to you.
Romans 5:3-5 says, "but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character, and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us." Am I currently rejoicing in my suffering? Not hardly. But if I continue to drown in my suffering, will I ever truly see its benefits? (Another apparent contradiction, I know). Or, what if I try to focus on God through my pain? Will I then finally realize its purpose? My purpose? God's purpose? I'm still trying with all of my strength to trust that God intends to use this tragedy, my pain, my suffering, Brittany's death, for His good. I just wish I knew what it is. Perhaps I would have known by now had I not lost my focus on Him. But I'm back. Fighting. And maybe...just maybe...as my faith and trust in God grow, He will finally reveal it all to me...but only in His time...not mine. I need to be patient. I guess I'd better work on that.
I'll hold you in my heart until I can hold you in Heaven
I love you Brittany Erin...timelessly <3
89-months. Had anything changed? I normally don't revisit old posts. I don't want to remember what I was feeling or experiencing at that time. Time. I strongly dislike that four letter word. But, for whatever reason, I read it. And, while other aspects of my journey to my new normal have become different (another dirty word), as I read it, I sadly realized that this part of my quest hasn't really changed. Honestly, no matter how much time passes, I don't think it ever will - regardless of the time of year.
Suffering. More specifically, finding the strength to embrace suffering. Embrace suffering? Why on earth would I want to embrace my suffering when my heart has declared an all out war against my mind to avoid that very thing? Clearly, I hadn't embraced my suffering then, nor have I now. I mean, does anyone actually wake up in the morning and announce to the world, "Today I shall embrace my suffering! Bring on the pain!" Well, oddly enough, yes. There really are people like that. Maybe not shouting it in the overly zealous tone I just implied, but people whose faith is strong enough to give them the confidence and strength to make such a bold proclamation. People in pain...just like me. People so overwhelmed and crippled by their suffering...just like me. But unlike me, these people have found the strength and courage in God to do the unthinkable...embrace their suffering. Truth be told, I'm pretty sure most, if not all of these individuals would prefer not to be faced with the whole "to embrace or not to embrace their suffering" dilemma in the first place. And like them, my choices are limited. I can either attempt to embrace it, or I can choose to let it destroy me. Neither seems ideal.
Webster's Dictionary defines suffering as: "to submit to or forced to endure"...usually some kind of pain or unwanted circumstance. Meanwhile, Webster's defines embrace as: "to clasp in arms; hug; cherish; love; take up readily or gladly." Really? So does that mean I'm supposed to cherish my suffering? Love my pain? Take up readily or gladly my anguish? What's more, is it just me or does the very phrase itself, "embrace your suffering," seem like a callous contradiction? Here's what 'unwanted circumstances' I'm still being forced to endure: Brittany's constant absence from my life. Her smile...her laughter...her sparkling blue eyes...the intimate mother/daughter conversations and secrets we shared like best friends. And now, I'm being forced to endure yet another Christmas without her. How am I supposed to embrace that 'readily' and with 'love?' If anything, my pain continues to mercilessly seize me, and it's bound and determined to suffocate me to death.
But even I, in the midst of all my brokenness, have to admit that there is really only one way in which to embrace my suffering. Accept it...even if I can't do it easily...because choosing to let it destroy me isn't an option. Surrendering to my grief would be mindless and effortless. Without a doubt, I could quietly succumb to the darkness and let my pain consume me until I completely disappear. The easiest route? Probably.The acceptable route? Absolutely not. Not for me, anyway. Like then, I'm still struggling to make a conscience effort to focus on God and attempt to let Him use my pain for His good. How do I plan to do that? I'll get back to you.
Romans 5:3-5 says, "but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character, and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us." Am I currently rejoicing in my suffering? Not hardly. But if I continue to drown in my suffering, will I ever truly see its benefits? (Another apparent contradiction, I know). Or, what if I try to focus on God through my pain? Will I then finally realize its purpose? My purpose? God's purpose? I'm still trying with all of my strength to trust that God intends to use this tragedy, my pain, my suffering, Brittany's death, for His good. I just wish I knew what it is. Perhaps I would have known by now had I not lost my focus on Him. But I'm back. Fighting. And maybe...just maybe...as my faith and trust in God grow, He will finally reveal it all to me...but only in His time...not mine. I need to be patient. I guess I'd better work on that.
I'll hold you in my heart until I can hold you in Heaven
I love you Brittany Erin...timelessly <3
