Mother and Daughter:
It's a special bond that spans the years.
Through laughter, worries, smiles and tears.
A sense of trust that can't be unbroken,
A depth of love sometimes unspoken.
A life long friendship built on sharing,
Hugs and kisses, warm and caring.
Mother and daughter, their hearts as one...
A link that can never be undone.
Today is July 8, 2014. Today my baby girl turns 25...even though she is forever 21. Today it has been four years since the horrific car accident that killed Brittany's boyfriend and his dad instantly...then taking my little girl's life five days later. Since Brittany's death, I've dreaded every July 8th. I didn't look at it as a day of celebration anymore. To me, July 8th stopped signifying the day the most beautiful girl in the world was born. It stopped signifying the day God chose ME to be Brittany's mom. Instead, July 8th became a blaring number on the calendar that shouted, "The beginning of the end." I stopped celebrating her life.
There's a song called "Note to God" that was released about five years ago by a teen YouTube sensation, Charise. It's a song about how much we need hope, guidance and strength from God in a world that's falling apart. We've all done that at some point in our lives, haven't we? Written our own little notes to God? Maybe several? I know have. My notes often contain words and phrases like: why, how could You, what if...and so forth. I know I've also done more than my fair share of begging and bartering, too. But how many "Thank You" notes have we written? Notes of praise and gratefulness? I'm sure I fail miserably in that department, just like anyone else. But today...the day God placed that innocent, beautiful little girl in my arms twenty-five years ago...I, along with my husband, Brett, and our son, Bryson, will try and muster every ounce of strength possible to be thankful...and celebrate every breath in time God gave me with Brittany.
Here is my note to God...one I hope He passes along to Brittany...
Heavenly Father...Today is such a bittersweet day. Twenty-five years ago, at 9:25pm, in an absurdly hot hospital, thousands of miles away in Germany, You blessed me with the most beautiful girl in the world. I'll never forget the first time she opened her amazing blue eyes and stared up at me with wonder. It was like she could see right through to my very soul. I never knew what life or love really meant until You gave me her. Would You please tell her that for me? Please let her know how proud I always was of her...and still am. I don't like referring to her in the past tense, Lord. In fact, I still struggle with that...because she will never be the past for me. As long as I am...she is. I know she wants me to be happy, Lord, but it's hard. So hard. Please tell her there isn't a single moment of any day that she isn't on my mind. Tell her that I miss her quirks, her Brittany-isms, her enchanting smile and brilliant blue eyes. Her infectious laugh...my laugh...because they're the same...her bony hugs and random midnight calls just to say, "Love you, Momma!"
Does she know how much her little brother has grown? Does she know he's starting high school next month? Can she see how much he misses his big sister? Can she hear the beautiful music he plays each time he sits down at the piano or with his guitar? Does she know how much Brett cherishes the gift of her wanting him to walk her down the aisle when she got married? Would she be married by now? I have so many questions for her.
Did I tell her "I love you" enough? Does she know? Did I hold her enough? Everything that is good in my life began with her. Please tell her for me. I feel like she's slipping away from me, God...and that scares me. I need her. I want You to give her back to me...something I know will never happen. I miss her to the point of not being able to breathe. Please tell her that I'm sorry for all the mistakes I made. Did one of those choices lead to this accident? I need her to know that I'm trying...most of the time, anyway. I'm trying to move forward into a life she is no longer physically present in. I just don't understand. I still can't wrap my head around the heartbreaking reality that my beautiful little girl is gone. Yes, I have thousands of memories for which I am so grateful. But I want more. I'm sorry if that makes me selfish.
But most of all, God, I want to thank You for sparing my daughter's life when the accident happened. Thank You for keeping her perfect in every way. I didn't get the miracle I would have given my life for, but You gave me a miracle for which I will forever be grateful...the miracle of time. Something that, to this day, no one can explain. But I know.
Would You please tell her that the fight she put up for those five days following the accident is something that still amazes me? I know You gave her the strength to do that for me...for us...the bond between my little girl and me. You knew...Brittany knew I needed that time with her...time to hold her just a little longer, kiss her, whisper my love to her, laugh with her, lie quietly with her in bed, cradling her in my arms, just listening to the sound of her heartbeat. You gave her that strength, Lord. There is no doubt in my mind that You were sitting with us the entire time I held her, telling her, "Not yet. Your mom isn't ready. Just a little longer." Please tell her the hardest words I ever had to say are the words I wept and whispered in her ear, "If you need to, baby, and as much as it will break my heart, I will do my best to let you go...but I will never say goodbye. I will see you someday soon...so wait for me." Can You tell her that for me? She was and always will be my soulmate, best friend and little girl. My other half. Two hearts made from one. A bond so rare that only You could have created it. Please tell her, won't You? I know I have no right asking this of You and I certainly don't deserve any of it, but I pray You will tell her anyway. I need her to know that she will forever be alive in my heart...until the day I draw my last breath and we're reunited once more.
Thank you, Father...
Amen~
So today, I will celebrate Brittany's life...albeit, through tears. I will smile, because she was so excited that day...July 8, 2010...her 21st birthday. And out of ALL the people in her life, she chose me...her mom..to celebrate it with. And I will smile at the memory of our many phone calls that morning...and all the "I love you's" we shared before the accident. No, it wasn't my birthday on July 8, 2010, but Brittany and God blessed me with priceless gifts I will cherish for the rest of my life.
Happy Birthday Brittany Erin <3 My beautiful little girl...now and forever.
"No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you.
After all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds
like from the inside."
