Christmas Without You

The lights are blinking merrily
The tinsel's on the tree
It sits there in the window
For all the world to see.

The house is filled with holly
And pine cone scents the air
The Christmas cards keep coming
Each one is hung with care.

The gifts are tied with ribbons red
And topped with pretty bows
I'm done with all the details
As far as Christmas goes.

The fire is softly glowing
I think about your touch
But Christmas isn't Christmas
I miss you oh so much

If I could have just anything
My Christmas wish would be
To wake up in the morning
And find you here with me.

I reminisce our Christmas' past
The joy and love we shared
Moonlit walks and midnight talks
And ways you showed you cared.

Staring at your picture
I long to be set free
Tonight the tears are streaming
As I hold it next to me.

Flakes of snow swirl through the air
I'm braced for stormy weather
I wait for brighter days ahead
When we can be together.

So hold a place in heaven, dear
Someday when life is through
I'll be the Christmas angel
Who shares this day with you.

Marilyn Ferguson ©2002

 

Christmas without Brittany. Is it really possible that this is my second one without her? It seems like the first.

Last year at this time, my family was still displaced in so many ways besides emotionally. We hadn't yet moved into our own home, we didn't decorate a tree, and we didn't engage in any of the traditions we have enjoyed since Brittany was a baby. It wasn't Christmas...at least not in the way I remembered it. To me, it was just another holiday cruelly taunting me...reminding me that Brittany would be absent once more. And this year, the pain of that absence is even more profound...if that's even possible.

I might be mistaken, but I think a lot of people expect this year to be easier for me than last...but they couldn't be more wrong. Last year, I was still in a state of shock. I was still numb and lost in the darkness of my brokenness. I don't think I was cognizant enough to grasp the magnitude of what Christmas without my little girl would feel like. I refused to accept it. I tried to ignore it. But I'm not able to do that this year...and it's killing me.

For as long as I can remember, we have always decorated our tree the day after Thanksgiving. We play Christmas music, bake lots of cookies, and unwrap all of the ornaments from Christmas' past. As Brittany got older, she would beg me not to put up the ornaments she had made for me when she was little. A tin foil tree with her little kindergarten picture on it. A Christmas bell made from construction paper and glitter. A gingerbread man with a slightly distorted face and body. But despite her chagrin, up they went anyway...and for the first time since 2009, up they are once more. I was a nervous wreck when we began taking the ornaments out of their boxes. I didn't want to see them...but then I wanted to see them, only to become nervous again because I was scared to see them. I was driving myself (and my husband) crazy. One by one, I studied each priceless piece with tears streaming down my face. And then...there it was. Her Christmas stocking, staring me boldly in the face, challenging my strength to hang it on the mantle. Her beautiful, fuzzy, purple stocking, mocking me with the reality of its emptiness...my emptiness. Her physical absence may be something I can't control, but the choice to hang her stocking with the rest of her family's is something I can control...so now it hangs in its traditional spot along with the rest of us...just like it did for 20 years...just like it will until the day I die. And tonight...Christmas Eve...when it comes time for Santa to fill those stockings, what will I do, you ask? Well, I certainly won't be leaving it empty. No, instead I have decided to start a new tradition. Each year I will fill it with a beautiful angel to add to my Willow Tree collection...and probably some of her favorite body sprays and lip glosses that I will wear on her behalf. Call me crazy if you'd like. You wouldn't be the first. But unless you are or have ever been where I am now, it's very unlikely you can fully understand the significance of this gesture. To be honest, I wish I didn't either. 

However, despite our efforts to make Christmas as "normal" as possible this year...especially for Bryson...I don't think we'll ever have a "normal" Christmas again. Like this quest I began 17 months ago in search of a "new normal," Christmas is just one of the many facets of that journey. Yes, we have decorated, shopped and wrapped. We're watching our favorite classic Christmas movies. We'll open our Christmas jammies (aka "jingle jammies") tonight and awake in those jammies Christmas morning (if you want to open the rest of the gifts, that is). Those things haven't changed.

What has changed though, is my inability to fully immerse myself in the joy and simplicity of it all. In fact, the entire meaning of Christmas has changed for me altogether. Or maybe it's simply reverted back to what it's been all along...at least what it should have been all along, before consumerism and materialistic greed clouded and distorted the foundation and purity of its inception: the birth of our Savior...Christ Jesus.

Luke 2:1-20

New International Version (NIV)

The Birth of Jesus

¹ In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. ² (This was the first census that took place while^[a] Quirinius was governor of Syria.) ³ And everyone went to their own town to register. ⁴ So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. ⁵ He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. ⁶ While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, ⁷ and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them.
⁸ And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. ⁹ An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. ¹⁰ But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. ¹¹ Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. ¹² This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”
¹³ Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,
¹⁴ “Glory to God in the highest heaven,
and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”
¹⁵ When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”
¹⁶ So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. ¹⁷ When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, ¹⁸ and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. ¹⁹ But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. ²⁰ The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

~

Indeed, God gave mankind the greatest gift of all...salvation through His son Christ Jesus. But God also gave me another priceless gift. He gave me my little girl. He gave me my best friend. He created two people from one heart...two halves of a whole. God gave me Brittany. And that is a gift I can cherish each and every day...not just a bauble I unwrap and hang on my tree once a year.

~

And to my precious little girl...

Through your selfless and generous act of organ donation, you have, perhaps, given the greatest gift of all to four very lucky people. I pray they thank God each and every day...I pray they thank you and remember you each and every day for your gifts of life and hope. I pray that they never take that for granted. Because of you, my sweet baby girl, they are spending this holiday with their loved ones. Everyday should be Christmas for them.

My beautiful Brittany...please keep holding on to my heart, as I'm holding on to yours. One day soon they'll be united once more.
Merry Christmas my beautiful angel.

I love you Brittany Erin...forever and always <3

The War With Suffering

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.

~

There is a war raging within me...a war between my heart and my mind. And while my heart has held the lead for what seems like an eternity, my mind is quickly closing the gap...and I don't like it. I don't want my mind to win. I want it to be left in the dusty trail of my broken heart. But my heart has grown very weak and weary...and afraid. Afraid that my mind will undoubtedly win this war, thus leaving my heart in its wake instead. You see, for 89 months now my mind has been screaming at my shattered heart that Brittany's absence from my life is real. It's permanent. She's not coming back. But my heart, despite its fragility and brokenness, is still fighting with all its might against accepting such a cruel and painful reality. Even after all this time.

I recently began reading a new daily devotional book. I'm ashamed to admit It's been a long time since I've actually submerged myself in one. I'm a bit behind on my "days," but that's par for the course in my little world. I'm always late. Sometimes, I sarcastically  quip that whenever my time comes to depart this world, I'll be late for that, too. Thankfully, this particular devotional is one you can jump in at any time. And I jumped in right when it started to speak of suffering. Why was I experiencing such a sense of deja vu? I've read about this before. But where? Then, there it was. On my Facebook timeline. Staring me right in the eye. I had written about this before back in 2011, right before Christmas. On this very day. Just 17 months into my quest. Now, in the six years that have passed, I realized I have dragged myself kicking and screaming to 89 months. Had anything changed? I normally don't revisit old posts. I don't want to remember what I was feeling or experiencing at that time. Time. I strongly dislike that four letter word. But, for whatever reason, I read it. And, while other aspects of my journey to my new normal have become different (another dirty word), as I read it I sadly realized that this part of my quest really hasn't changed. Honestly, no matter how much time passes, I don't think it ever will - especially this time of year. 


Suffering. More specifically, finding the strength to embrace suffering. Embrace suffering? Why on earth would I want to embrace my suffering when my heart has declared an all out war against my mind to avoid that very thing? Clearly, I hadn't then, nor have I now. I mean, does anyone actually wake up in the morning and announce to the world, "Today I shall embrace my suffering! Bring on the pain!" Well, oddly enough, yes. There really are people like that. Maybe not shouting it in the overly zealous tone I just implied, but people whose faith is strong enough to give them the confidence and strength to make such a bold proclamation. People in pain...just like me. People so overwhelmed and crippled by their suffering...just like me. But unlike me, these people have found the strength and courage in God to do the unthinkable...embrace their pain. Truth be told, I'm pretty sure most, if not all, of these individuals would prefer not to be faced with the whole "to embrace or not to embrace the suffering" dilemma in the first place. And like them, my choices are limited. I can either attempt to embrace it, or I can choose to let it destroy me. Neither seems ideal.

Webster's Dictionary defines suffering as: "to submit to or forced to endure"...usually some kind of pain or unwanted circumstance. Meanwhile, Webster's defines embrace as: "to clasp in arms; hug; cherish; love; take up readily or gladly." Really? So does that mean I'm supposed to cherish my suffering? Love my pain? Take up readily or gladly my anguish? What's more, is it just me or does the very phrase itself, "embrace your suffering," seem like a callous contradiction? Here's what 'unwanted circumstances' I'm still being forced to endure. Brittany's constant absence from my life. Her smile...her laughter...her sparkling blue eyes...the intimate mother/daughter conversations and secrets we shared like best friends. And now, I'm being forced to endure yet another Christmas without her. How am I supposed to embrace that 'readily' and with 'love?' If anything, my pain continues to mercilessly seize me, and it's bound and determined to suffocate me to death.

But even I, in the midst of all my brokenness, have to admit that there is really only one way in which to embrace my suffering. Accept it...even if I can't do it easily...because choosing to let it destroy me isn't an option. Surrendering to my grief would be mindless and effortless. Without a doubt, I could quietly succumb to the darkness and let my pain consume me until I completely disappear. The easiest route? Probably.The acceptable route? Absolutely not. Not for me, anyway. Like then, I'm still trying to make a conscience effort to focus on God and attempt to let Him use my pain for His good. How do I plan to do that? No clue. I'm trying to figure it out. I'm still trying to figure that out. 

Romans 5:3-5 says, "but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character, and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us." Am I currently rejoicing in my suffering? Not hardly. But if I continue to focus on my suffering, will I ever truly see its benefits? (Another apparent contradiction, I know). Or, what if I try to focus on God through my pain? Will I then finally realize its purpose? My purpose? God's purpose? I'm still trying with all of my strength to trust that God intends to use this tragedy, my pain, my suffering, Brittany's death, for His good. I just wish I knew what it is. Perhaps I would have known by now had I not lost my focus on Him. But I'm back. Fighting. And maybe...just maybe...as my faith and trust in God grows, He will finally reveal it all to me...but only in His time...not mine. I need to be patient. I guess I'd better work on that. 



I love you Brittany Erin...timelessly <3