One Year...

Brittany Erin Pritts
July 8, 1989-July 13, 2010
Forever in my heart...two halves of a whole...until we're together again <3


They came...the true anniversary dates and not just "reminders." July 8: Brittany's 22nd birthday and one year since her accident. July 13: the day I had truly been dreading for months because one year ago on that day at 5:10pm, my beautiful little girl left me and I was forced to let her go, too. And now today, July 19...one year since I buried her. Buried her. Buried Brittany? Just writing these words feels surreal...and sickening. No phone calls or texts. No smiles or laughter. Nothing. For a year. And I'm already dreading next year. Is that considered planning ahead? If so, it's a first for me. I've never excelled at planning for the future. And the few times I've tried have always blown up in my face....so I just kind of wing it. (That doesn't always work out either, by the way).

On Brittany's birthday, rather than barricade myself behind closed doors, refusing to see the light of day, I tried to celebrate. And I did. My husband and I hosted a celebration of Brittany's life and invited anyone and everyone who knew and loved her. We were overwhelmed by how many people whose lives she touched. Friends who miss her. Friends who smiled and laughed at their own special memories they have of Brittany. I know she was there with me holding my hand and smiling. I could feel her.

I have been on such a roller coaster of emotions lately I feel like I'm suffering from motion sickness in dire need of a Dramamine. July 13 fell on a Wednesday. On Monday I was angry. The "don't look April in the eyes and avoid her at all costs" angry. Every little thing set me off. On Tuesday I was nervous. Very nervous. Panic attack nervous. Then, on Wednesday, July 13, I was numb. Almost zombie-like, walking around in a dense fog. I'm not sure I even knew my own name that day. And now today, July 19, I'm confused...unable to articulate to myself, let alone to anyone else, how I feel. Not denial. Regret maybe? Is there a word that defines all my coexisting and ongoing emotions? Anger, nervousness, numbness, confusion, regret. I can't seem to find one.

I've spent a lot of time with Brittany over the past week. Yes...in the sweltering heat. I'm sure many passersby thought twice about my sanity. I adorned her arbor with a huge bouquet of balloons. I also wrote her a letter. No one in my family knows that...until now. I told her how much my life has changed since she left...and how much it hasn't. I asked her if she's proud of the strength that so many people see in me or disappointed because I don't feel strong at all. I apologized for all of the mistakes I made as a parent and for all dreams I couldn't make come true for her. I told her I don't understand the senselessness of this tragedy, but hoped someday she and God would explain it to me. I talked about her little brother, Bryson...how he's going into JR. High and getting so tall...just like his sister. And I told her how he loves the color pink because it's her favorite color, too. I told her how strong and supportive Brett has been on the outside...but broken on the inside. He hides it well. I asked her if she's happy...if she misses me. I told her I would give anything to hear her laughter, see her smile and her beautiful blue eyes...and how much I missed her lanky, bony hugs...the sound of her voice when she would say "Momma" when she was happy or "Mother" when she was frustrated with me. And I told her I would trade places with her in a heartbeat if I could...so she could fulfill the many dreams I know she had. Then, after reading that letter aloud to my little girl, I attached it to one of the balloons and let it go, watching it soar up into the sunny sky, hoping it would reach her in heaven.

I'd like to share a poem with you that my friend, Michelle Bonham, shared with me. Thank you, Michelle. It expresses beautifully what I so often am not able to do.

The Cord

We are connected,
My child and I, by
...An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!

Author Unknown